Red Sky At Dawn

denial will lead nowhere

2011-07-28T03:36:00.004-04:00

so here we are
or rather,
here i am

and here come the words without a trace
of hint of meaning of
message
of pace

with nature red and caution blue
we'll burn these beds
and bury you
deeper deeper away we go
why so lost?
why no soul?

this isn't about misery or joy

Hate's too strong, Love's too weak

2010-12-06T22:44:00.002-05:00

Factors of the sky rendered heart
Shaped and pierced by lackluster art
All words all thoughts all souls
Day in day out weeping endings start
Crossing over under through each other
Forming nothing but complexity's brutality

Wretched pieces of haphazard cloth
Shredding wings of dusty moths
Shed no tears
Laugh for them
And at us

Pyres drenched expected to blaze
Muddled muddied confusion
Those were the days
Yours to take
Fake
Give it back
Undeserving
Go away
Liar
These aren't tears

In this mess of drowning
For years and years and years and years
Of avoidance
Desperation and struggle of no action
Discourse continuing throughout all of it
Meaning absolutely what it was
Losing losing losing losinglosing losig losing losing lsong lsng lsong lsoing losing losing losing losing loing losing lonsgf losig soing lsogn lsing slgmsgslglsgl slgslglinslgmsgoks

Tearing up
And lost

2010-11-28T20:26:00.002-05:00

Why even bother with this
All is ripped apart and handed back to me in flames
Ashes burning alone
Burning in pain
Why should they?
While dying for an apparent nothing
That simply shreds me apart
Mercilessly
Heartlessly
Painfully
All for what? Nothing
I know it
You know it
Why even bother with the charade when it's obvious
This drunken rant is truth
While those sober hopes are lies
Is this what truth really is?
Far too many thoughts to keep track of
And all I want is to kill

3 days earlier

2010-10-11T21:31:00.003-04:00

Why care? Why even bother?
Do you? You act like you do,
so well sometimes, but do you really?
Raising my hopes, my dreams flourish.
Then your hailstorm crushes it all.
Why? What am I to you? Do I mean anything?
Maybe you're not to blame; I want it to be true.
But no. It's only you.
Why can't I ever win?

Why do you do this to me? How can you?
You say you miss me, love me, and yet?!
Why the fuck why how what
IT MAKES NO SENSE
I'm dying for you, killing myself for you
I'm going far too far for nothing

Tomorrow

2010-09-27T21:02:00.003-04:00

This is far more than pain
An embellishment of hate
Simply put my mind laughs
My heart dies
My soul weeps
The sky cries

Shards of myself lie scattered across the floor
I'll watch them, admire them, hate them
Eventually gather up all I can
But it's never as many as there were
Then once again, once more, I'll shatter
With fewer and fewer pieces each time
Until none remain

All the while, the entire time
Constantly and unrelentingly
My broken soul and ashen heart
How pitiful they are
Yearning for what they can't have
Anger will engulf them
Hate will destroy them
Misery will drown everything

This is simply the role I've been handed
I'll play it gloriously

My audience
Pride stabbing
Greed devouring
Envy controlling
Wrath destroying
Everything
These are my colours
These are my truths
They will guide me
Along my path of self-destruction
To nowhere yet everywhere and
Countless dreams will turn to dread
Vision will blur with flame
Pathetic fallacy will drown all
While I rejoice cry lie die
With my useless love

I'm far too hopeless a romantic for this
Any of this
All of it

2010-08-30T23:17:00.000-04:00

Between here and now to there and when lies
What? Typing like this is such a different experience as compared t opencil and paper
The flow’s different
It’s all different
Typos, capitals, keystrokes
As opposed to the sketching stroke of my letters, the sound it makes
Honestly i think i enjoy that sound
It’s so.... i don’t even know, it just is
And i enjoy it so
I’ve completely lost where i was trying to go when i started this

nights like these i hate the most

2010-08-28T21:02:00.003-04:00

in the moonlight everything seems so
unreal, dreamlike, is anything really happening?
the light it casts on you
it lets you glow
you radiate brilliance
are you really there? do you exist with me?
can we occupy the same time and space
without my world being engulfed by sleep?
but it's such a beautiful shine
i hope this night never ends
it's the closest we'll ever get
it's perfection for just a fraction of a moment's instant
and it's so much more than enough
if i wake all i want is to
find, be with, adore, everything as long as it's you
sunshine gives my surrealistic hopes, dreams, and views
such a different look
nothing's the same as it was, as it could be
as i want it to be
you're still beautiful
but it's different
you still glow, you still radiate, i still want, adore
but it's all different
this light's harsh
blinding
in the blink of an eye you disappear
when will the moon come back?
will you be there when it does?
what if i could take the sun's glaring truth away?
but then there'd be no moonlit perfection
would there?
you'd fade away with the night's shadows
gone forever
and i'd have less than i do now
let's defy the world and keep this cloudless night alive
impossible as it may be
moonlight or sunshine
i have no more words
words can't do this justice anyways

lawn

2010-07-25T23:33:00.004-04:00

Take it all away
This gentleman's tale
Enticed to no avail

Don't ever make it stay
Just fake it all ok
Thrown astray

This path's full of thorns
Winding through your garden
The same I helped grow
Time to reap what was sown

Yet looking back I had no clue
None whatsoever
It overtook my consciousness without warning
It's almost unfair

I know what it is:

A ride of amazing highs and horrible lows that I should get off of because in the end it will destroy me more than I already have

taking a page from David Keis and swearing

2010-06-28T00:21:00.002-04:00

It turns out it's the same old story as always isn't it?
The start the middle the end it's always the same in the end
I want you to leave
It'd make everything so much easier
But I don't want you to leave at all
Please stay here
Stay with me
It makes it so much harder but
What I want isn't what you want
What you want is a complete mystery to me
What I want is pretty mysterious to me as well
This may just be a lose-lose situation for all
Please go away
Never look back
Never say another word to me
Don't think about me, even in passing
Erase me completely and maybe I'll disappear
It's the easiest thing for everyone
But
I don't know if I can let that happen
I'm dying to have your attention
Why is it always like this?
You're still there
Why are you there
This is torture
I've fallen into my own trap
For the nth time
I never learn do I?
It shouldn't be this way
It should never have to be this way
Why does it have to be this way
Please just go away
Leave me alone
Please make this easy
Please say something
No don't
Just leave
Because I can't
Disappear
Never come back
I'm greedy
Envious
Full of fake pride
Starting to leak wrath
These sins of mine will destroy me
I don't want to destroy you too
Would you be ever so kind as to save me?
It's not saving that I need
Just want
Thoughts are running rampant and shredding themselves apart amongst the ruins of my very heart and soul
And yet you're still there
Why won't you leave?!
Leave me alone
For everyone's sake
If you won't leave then at the very least come closer
Stop mocking me with your presence
Just being there isn't
It's not
Why can't
Words fail me
I fail me
I feel
I've lost again
I'm lost
Now close to breaking
I'm sick of it
I want to but don't
I don't want to but I do
It's always like this
I want revenge
Avenge my heart
If you leave I'll regret it instantly
I regret it already
Please don't go away
But don't stay
I want to tell you all of this but I know I can't
I shouldn't
At all
Never
This game always rips me apart
And always draws me back in

Scratchcards & Losses

2010-06-20T23:57:00.003-04:00

Counting down the dwindling moments
Peace awaits at the end of the road
It's all I can think of
What I dream of, even awake
It's taken complete hold with its charm

breathe in
Like gypsies dancing around an open flame
count
Like if looks could kill and you could aim
count
Like the moonlight in its prime
pause
Like a lady who's not mine
breathe out

Corruption everywhere
All over inside covering smothering
All of it everything
Nothing is pure
Why must this be

What is this Who am I What is the point of this
Crazy fucked up day-to-day bullshit That we call a life
Causing pain and misery Spreading like a virus
Until nothing's left

Like gypsies dying around an open flame
Like if looks could kill and you took aim
Like the moonlight past its prime
Like a lady dressed and dying

Breathe in
Count
Count
Pause
Breathe out
I want it Need it now
There will be peace

Romanticism

2010-06-06T23:36:00.004-04:00

It's because you think I care
That's what it all comes down to
I'd burn the oceans for a chance
To prove this for you

So maybe love's not it exactly
But honestly it's ineffable
I swear that on my life
That doesn't mean much but you mean so much
So it evens out

The Ides of March are nothing to me
The Tides of Dawn are stirring
So let's set sail on this black blood sea
As Dusk breaks apart the waves

Pacing pacing pacing pacing
Days Weeks Months Years
All just words passing through our ears

And then
Gunn to my head
No trigger to pull
Shot without spark
All feelings turn null

Tasteless

2010-05-25T23:49:00.005-04:00

We could've had so much
It's a shame you can't stay
"I've burned my bed," is all you can say

Burning indecisions laced
Lying intersections paced
Positively & negatively &

Your words are vague but not enough
So tell me now with that blurred voice
How can this pulse to flow ever take place
While my sleeve hides a crying ace

Startling decisions based
Too many horrors faced
Rationally absurd

So
Before we all burn
Let's dance along
To these crackling embers
Turned roaring flames
Drowned voices and surreal haze

Court Appearance for Adam Flores

2010-04-07T23:31:00.002-04:00

Wounds and pain fade over time
But what isn't hurt can't heal
And why hurt what doesn't feel

Each word is another attempt to create
What's needed so that it can start
Instead it all falls apart

This too shall pass
Until then
Here's the crash burn and thrash

Missed and wished on colours dead and reborn
Kissed and ditched through razor wire and thorns

The red dream burns through days
Through nights
Through blind eyes
Through deaf ears
Through the numb
The numb you've come to know
That's come to know you
That it is you are we've become

You look to be empty
Ask yourself:
Why?

Surrealism 250809

2010-04-01T00:44:00.002-04:00

Time blurs anything and everything
Together so that present future past
Are never meant to last

The clocktower pines through its chimes
It wants to be seen and heard
And you, my dear, are its caged bird
(Constantly lured)

We should enjoy this relapse before it turns and starts to collapse

I'm heading into Winter as you're coming out of Spring
Your flowers bloom but all I feel is the cold harsh sting

I hate mirrors

2010-04-01T00:41:00.001-04:00

No rules out on this sea

2010-04-01T00:32:00.002-04:00

So I thought maybe there was such a thing as fate
Maybe it's just me over-hoping
Probably, wouldn't doubt it
Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be consumed by hate
As if I have any luck

A fool for believing in destiny
A tool for destroying what's left of me
A stool to snap a broken key

Limerence

2010-04-01T00:25:00.002-04:00

This self destructive dance
Orchestrated by me and me alone
Pale voice and defeated eyes
A portrait made for destroyed skies

Rock bottom? Still a ways to go
Falling through obsessively clad dreams
Blades sampling songs
Trees shaking rope
Paths meeting lakes
Clouds bursting into violent frenzies of heart-drawn carriages
Through it all
Pull me up with your noose

To fall again and again
Hoping for hope and loving for sick
Dance/sing/cry
To 3 years of time

From the desk of

2010-03-06T10:57:00.003-05:00

Virginia Elizabeth Dulcina Skye. Anytime she was there I found myself thinking of . It was weird but not really. Maybe it's the fancy names matching up. But I wanted to write a letter. This usually happens when I'm drunk but right now I don't think I've ever felt so sober. Maybe that's a lie, I feel a natural high. Probably thanks to the sunshine and Stephen Fair. A good book; I enjoyed it. It's kinda helped me. My problems, situation, circumstance... not really that bad. I'm overthinking and trying to make things seem worse. So I have an excuse. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fond of my parents or work or anything but it's allright. Just a matter of keeping a steady head. Not thinking too much. Eventually it'll all pass and yeah. About ? I can't do anything about how she feels. I do like her. Not just about proving something to myself. But it's not all about me. At all. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that. I really like conversing with her, I'll enjoy what I can. If things move on, that's great. If not, that's ok too. All in all this is a good morning. I guess it's just that waiting game but slightly different; with some hunt thrown in for a twist. Funtimes eh? Ah wells, like I said, s'all good really. This feels nice. A happy contentment. Kinda. Bright days always make me happy.

Mar. 31/Apr. 1
Forget any of this ever happened

Gold

2010-02-28T20:57:00.004-05:00

Feb. 23/10
It sucks, at the time it was ok enough, offer to help and stuff but now 2 days later and after that convo last night with that same feel of awkwardness from that 1st time talkin. But maybe it's just me? i can hope I'm just overreacting, imagining things. I don't know. What can I do now, really. Part of me says it's over give up there's no point there never was. But anotehr says fuck that shit keep goin determination and perseverence. I want to run away from her I'm scared I ruined the good that was there but no I gotsta stay. I will prove even if just to myself that I care and I don't even know. It's like the suicide thing all over, I'm still here right? Fuck 2nd place, all or nothing. I'll stay and keep my head up. I like her, she makes me happy. What more do i need? That's more than enough reason for me. I'm crazy and retarded and maybe ok probably a bit socio/psychopathic but excuses are lame. I might just actually truly love this girl. I can not let any chance slip me by. If not now, in the future, however long it might take. i can't really see me losing interest in her. unless it's absolute heartbreak ofcourse. Let's hope not though. I've crushed/liked for 6 months with no real action, I've gotsta step it up and do whatever I can. I'm liking this new confidence especially compared to how down I felt. Oh mood swings, where would I be without you?

Present
I've learned a new term: limerence. It pretty much almost exactly describes me with regards to this. Slight obsession, fantasizing in such a way that it's realistic (sometimes involving some sort of tragedy), intrusive thoughts. All of it holds true. The taking anything I can as a hint that I have a chance with her. Re-reading and analyzing every little thing to find a way to find a reason to give me hope. The spazzing out when I see her name. All of it matches up perfectly. Scratch that, it's not just limerence, it's unrequited limerence. Remember kids, the more specific you can be the harder it is to disprove!
Learning all this the best action is to forget about all of it. It's a ride of amazing highs and horrible lows that I should get off of because in the end it will destroy me more than I already have. But ofcourse that's much easier said than done. That confidence and such from the 23rd up there? It died so quickly that I don't even know if it really existed. I'm pretty sure that there is no chance for me but I just CAN'T accept that. Something in my core won't let me. If i could get a striaghtup definate no maybe it would help but I don't want that so I'm scared to try. Yes it's stupid of me to not and it'll just eat at me and tear me apart this stupid little game of mine will but how can I just
This is when suicide makes everythign so much easier but I'd rather go for the girl and atleast try to win. Ofcourse failing tehr ethrows me into a much deeper hole, if I accept it in any case. Oh look, there she is, how convenient.

I need help. Someone, anyone, please?

I am simply a vandal

2010-02-22T22:35:00.002-05:00

my hunger grows constantly gnawing at myself growing growing starving myself of what i want, what i need
it will consume all that i am
i'm scared but i can't stop it
i'm scared but i don't want to stop it
i'm not scared at all
another lie
another door smashed to pieces
another golden oppurtunity snapped and shredded
i wonder
where have all the pieces blown off to?
i want to gather them up
put them back together
i can hope

I find no purpose and yet
I continue to live for nothing
Lying to myself and everyone else
For the sake of what?

Nothing more

180 seconds too late

2010-02-21T21:04:00.004-05:00

You've taken so much from me
I never knew there was so much to take
You're the greatest thief I know
How can I ever match up

That's a lie
You're no thief
I had no control had no grip had no thought
I gave in I gave it up

Sent to be recieved
Recieved to be denied?

And everything turns to ruin
Ash in the mouth
Destruction

Here comes the sun

2010-01-29T23:59:00.002-05:00

It's amazing how much there is in those parts of the mind that no one sees, thinks about, tries to hide, wishes weren't there. Those shadows that are there because it's who we are isn't it?
You learn so much about people even if you simply acknowledge it. And oh so much more if you take a step in. It's amazing how easy it could be if not for everything.
It's funny 'cause I'm saying this like I know what it is; what I'm talking about when in all reality I'm just typing mindlessly off a tangent of a tangent of a thought.

Nevermind, it doesn't matter anymore.

But the point is that for a time it did.

Pyros Make Fire Famous (numero deux)

2010-01-26T23:50:00.006-05:00

Where've you gone off to?
It's been a while now
Whatever happened to that dream of you
It's been a while

yet nothing's really changed has it
still the same ol' same ol'
still this same hole

Lockless keys dangling through the air each night
Where's the concept of fair without light
to strike this match and see what there is
to see what there is and go
to go without a fight

the fight's what makes things interesting and keeps it all alive
struggle struggle struggle and there's purpose
take it away and it's
gone
meaningless

This is what I say for the time being
My message in a bottle
The bottle's cracked
It's flooding
My message sinks
Who'll see it now?

It's been quite a while hasn't it
Where oh where has the time gone my dear?
Come, let's catch up, please sit
Maybe this time you'll stay near

let's not give into fear
let's

Apples & Oranges

2010-01-18T23:13:00.003-05:00

Deaf-mute role played well
Send your thoughts through
The pitter patter of morse code
All throughout my humble abode

Blackout
Vanish

A forest made of trees burning
Smoke obscures the goal
Trees with branches yearning
Leaves forget their role

Wakeup
Blur

The comedy's over
The tragedy's due
The epic comes later
This play will take you
away

Mirror mirror on the wall / How I hate and fear you all

2010-01-08T23:52:00.005-05:00

Oh dear boy how you fell,
Higher and higher they thought, "oh what a nice lad,"
But you knew of your treacherous hell

So innocent, so pure,
The story starts
So naive, so young,
What a beautiful soul
Until it's torn apart

A feeling
Nothing more,
She gave you her all
Her all in Vane,
An experience all the same

Lower lower falling farther than before,
Soul dying, you're dying
decay decay decay
Wit and charm cause much harm
Has he lost track of the score?

Repetitious repetition constantly scarring
Flesh, mind, heart, soul; his poor soul

He's locked himself into the cage he made
The spitting image of an Ace of Spades
gone awry

Look into your eyes
Look into your soul

Farewell dear shade of Gray
Reminiscent of many days,
We both know the end and what's to come
Not she for you
nor She for

My compliments to the chef

2010-01-04T22:52:00.005-05:00

Jan. 3rd/10
January never seems to like me. I wonder why. Car = slight crash. Parents = freaking out. Oh I'm fine thanks for caring mom. I didn't see my life flash. What life right dad? I was there but wasn't. It's weird. Cool though. Might've been better if it was worse and I was hurt. Comatose. Dead. One can hope. Maybe I am comatose/dead but I just don't know it. Wouldn't that be nice.
Job hunting then gymtimes tomorrow. I liekd the gym.
Stop lying to them. Dark snow slippery shut the fuck up. It's because your son's a failure. A disappointment in every fuckin way isn't it? We both know it so why lie about it? He I me just fails at everything. Nothing is good enough for you. No praise. No acknowledgement. Nothing but disappointment and failure. What's it matter though, my life isn't worth living is it dad? What the fuck do I know right? Insult me some more, c'mon. What else do you have to say? All I've gotten is insult and disappointment one after the other. I guess that's all I am. All I'm worth. Why couldn't I have just died. But no, I failed at that too didn't I dad?

Present
I don't really care about the car or insurance or any of that. I didn't really even care at the time. It's an object of money. Sure it's nice but, it's just extra. Good to know they didn't ask about me and my well being until after the insurance company was called and all that was settled. Everyone knows money > life. But again, what do I know about life?
I'm scared. The suicidal thoughts are getting worse. No, scratch that. Worse means bad doesn't it, this isn't necessarily bad. Maybe it's just how things should be. And they really have grown. Multiple plans of how thigns could go down. Before when these thoughts crept into my head I'd think about stuff liek Her and friends and things I'd liek to do and see and all that but... part of me is scared and wants to live. Anotehr part, maybe a bigger part, doesn't care and is bored with this life.
As I was whoring myself out today job hunting I ended up talking to myself for a bit. I want to leave. That was what I said to myself. I want to leave. Here everything just leave. Leave and just be free of this whole work money death business. I think that's ideally what everyone would like but sadly it's not possible for too many.
I don't liek job hunting. I honestly don't like jobs. I mean looking back, Shoppers wasn't bad, but at the time I never wanted to go. Not really. Everything's better in hindsight it seems. In an ideal world, we'd all be happy and do what made us happy. But sadly that's not the world we live in. We all really only care about ourselves and those dear and near to us though so I guess in my ideal world it'd be me and those close to me who were happy and everyone else wouldn't really matter. It sucks but I mean, that's just how it is.
Maybe this is a cry for help. I want someone to stop this and tell me I matter and all that because I don't feel I get that here. I'm just a whore for attention aren't I? But will it help? If it's not who it really needs to be, will it stop this? I honestly don't know. I just want to leave.

Aware Beware cdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

2010-01-02T23:43:00.005-05:00

No rhyme or reason
It doesn't need it
It just is
But at the same time isn't
Itself

A dream fantasy goal
Driving pursuers mad
Down the rabbit hole
Through happy angry sad

Truth is singular
Lies are multiples
Warped and bloodied
Painful yet studied

Intricately simple, simply intricate
A touch of shadow and it's worth shit

Always so cunning but naive
Some light and what's left to believe?

http://viviphyd.deviantart.com/journal/29405482/

The lights have gone out
The lights have gone away
The lights aren't coming back
They've left us to decay
They played with our minds
We thought we held sway
They ripped out our tongues
We have nothing to say

The shadows wont leave us alone like the lights
The shadows will save us and teach us to spite

The lights will fade from memory and heart
The shadows will parade much past the start

inside deep deeper deepest
so far in it hurts to breathe
covering skin
colouring blood
carved into bone
so far in we're never alone

title

2010-01-01T22:48:00.012-05:00

After a night of drinking I seem to be able to wake up and be fine for the most part. Except for being insanely hungry and my stomach hurting from time to time.
And a soreish throat. But that may be because of sitting out in the cold.
But it was nice so no complaints. Sorry to say I can't remember everything we talked about but I'm sure I went on for a bit but you listened anyways and I listened to you and it was a nice time. It'll all come back to me eventually. I'm glad to have met you, and I'm glad you two are together.

So now it's just a matter of days weeks months possibly years of what to do how to do it why do it and maybe even doing something. What? Who knows. Why? Why not?
I have clue what I'm talking about
But who does

this seems to have become another "i don't want to post" writing
that wasn't my intention
it's never intended
rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
/////////////////end

p.s. facebook's mocking me again

K-k-k-kILL

2009-12-30T23:32:00.002-05:00

Dec. 28/09
I can't help thinking that last time I was here like this, it was the day before meeting
and it's kinda like "wow who knows what might happen tomorrow," y'know? I can hope and pray and dream even thought odds are nothing like that'll happen. But it'd be pretty awesome. I do really honestly and truly want to see Her again. Talk and get to know and love
and the same in return would be even better. I really do.
It's keeping me from death.
I'd like to believe anyways.

Dec. 29/09
Couldn't help wanting to get rammed on the highway. Not all of us, just me. A casualty of one. Not too shabby an end to the day. But then came the thought of
and I mean
I don't know
I don't want Her to be like my lifeline, my only reason but I mean
Am i just obsessed? I don't want that. I'm sure it's more. I'm alive so it must be more. Alive. Funny thing that is really.
I think I'm going to end up at Her or death sooner or later. But maybe that's ok.

Hey Jude, fuck you

2009-12-24T23:33:00.002-05:00

I related for a fair bit. i really did. I even almost teared up at one point. Close but no. But then came teh craptastic cliche happily ever after-esque ending that won't be there for me. Where was his pain? His suicidal thoughts? His lack of feeling? His despair? He caught a lucky break and rode it to the end. That's not how real life works. It was a mockery of life. The end just sickened me.
Where's the real ending? Where he gets nowhere. Loses everything. Dies again and again each day he wakes up. That's what would happen. What will happen. What is happening.

Odd/Even

2009-12-21T23:16:00.003-05:00

erase my regrets
erase who i am
was
the failure
just regrets upon regrets
erase my so-called life

oblivion is home
where my heart should be

a fleeting shadow that you shouldn't notice
out of the corner of your eye and gone

the way it's better off

Generic

2009-12-21T23:12:00.002-05:00

I want to scream out
Kill everything myself nothing kill
Paint the walls with my blood
What a beautiful piece
Rip out my heart if it's there
Set it ablaze and devour the ashes

It means nothing

But I'm holding myself back
All for You but You don't know
Either hold out and live hope for You
Or give in and die

1979

2009-12-20T22:38:00.003-05:00

these songs are playing but kinda passing me by and i don't really seem to care all too much but just enough to notice every so often that they're there
what was that?
i want to say i'm sick and tired of you holding me back from letting everything go but you're not doing anything. it's all me and i'm holding myself back because not of you because of what i'd like. what i want. what i need? that may be pushing it. Just a tad.
I'm doing this to myself for no real reason. I want to see what it's like to die. But I dont' want to die. No, I do. I really do. But I don't. I want to see how things go. Curiousity killed the cat. Curiousity is all there is. Curiousity is what keeps me alive.
I want to
I'm scared
will You please
no i wont beg
but
i want death
i want You
either or will do
but i think i'd rather it be
You
i think i might just quite possibly perhaps actually in all reality and theory and and and
i think i love You

rhyming's over-rated

2009-12-16T23:24:00.003-05:00

Up but down
Down and up

Over and over it's all
It is
over and over
over and over
over and over again

Nowhere to go or be
Nothing to do on the way
There
It's unjust there

Not anywhere
Not anything

Fuck the positive
Embrace the negative
It just wants to be
loved
Not pitied
like the rest of us

summer-time

2009-12-16T23:04:00.003-05:00

i seek approval
just want to be liked
please
why won't you praise me
like me, please
i'm just a whore for approval
pity
anything
love me
i don't know
love
i feel but
i don't
because i'm dead
better off dead
so psychotic
or maybe awake
better off dead

Paths X Bridges

2009-12-07T22:59:00.002-05:00

Figuring it out is an art
Of unquestionable & incalculable glory
That shines and sins through story
In the margins of the heart

Throughout the cross ups
Hold ups
Turn ups
It's all laid to waste
Postmarked: post haste

Here comes the changeover

"It's not enough to be numbered with the grains of sand on the beach and the stars in the sky"
"The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly"

Changeover finale

An artist without the art
Kills not himself alone
But those in his home
In the margins of your heart

Brakes delay the inevitable

2009-12-07T22:57:00.001-05:00

Play the game
Not knowing the rules
Those who aim
Are all fools
Those who win
Are without name
Those who lose
Are the sane

I'm a creep but you're no angel

2009-12-07T13:36:00.001-05:00

Knife in the back (with) no second glance
Your deciet made this heart dance

In a rhetorical world

2009-12-07T13:15:00.002-05:00

Hypothetically speaking, you loved,
Realistically, you lied.
Hypothetically, this soul was warm,
Realistically, it died.

Hypothetically speaking, you were happy,
Realistically, you spun a plot.
Hypothetically, I was happy,
Realistically, this heart was caught.

Hypothetically speaking, all was good,
Realistically, it couldn't've been worse.
Hypothetically, there was forever,
Realistically, there was only a hearse.

Hypothetically speaking or not,
Realistically tied in a knot,
Hypothetically, for me you were there,
Realistically you became my nightmare.

running rampant

2009-12-04T00:59:00.003-05:00

there was something i wanted to write about something good and not happy per se but it made me feel good inside but now i've crushed it with my own self hate and fear and loathing and it's not there anymore and it's such a horrible horrible feeling of desperate desolace filled and brimming with hatehatehate it's just so horrifying and i'm scared not per se but this feeling of just dread and crushed death hope gone i don't even know what i'm saying but i'm saying it and it's like verbal vomit scratch that it is but tomorrow is always there and odds or evens it will be filled with more of this self disgust and hate and just straight up unwanting of lifeverything i want a redo a reshuffle a new hand but alas that's not how it goes is it this is how it goes this life that i don't want this work money school grades money work work work die no that's not right why where's the live in life where's the enjoy fun laugh love where where where it's all that's worth it in the end where will anythign else lead work may lead to success or betetr a sense of purpose or fulfilment but friends love happy laugh it's so much better so much more worth it but in this day and age this society this dying world that wont cut it will it it wants to drain us drain me drain you why not just connect with everyone and live instead of survive it'd be such a nicer better happier lovelier place or so i'd like love to think know feel love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate you love me hate me love you sleep fly love happy that's all i want will you help me please i wish please please please let this wish come true

goodnightsun

2009-12-01T23:29:00.003-05:00

That hate and anger and wrath that's been filling me up lately seems to be kinda... less. It's a good thing really but I feel kinda empty without it. It gave me some form of purpose, soem sense of anything and without it I'm just kinda blank and empty inside. I mean no it's not completely gone and never coming back, oh no no no. I guess it just kinda ebbs and flows. Like the tide. Or some retarded pms but not really. Whatever, it'll be back I'm sure. And with it will come back all that anger and wrath and misery. Oh teh misery. Something I'm sure I'd much ratehr do without but I think it'd leave me empty without it. B-sides (lulz), it's an emotio nand emotion = living and if not for all of them wouldn't that kinda be like being dead? But liek i said before, who knows, Death may just be the best part of Life. Who knows.
I really really really do wish that
Cue Shakespeare kid
I think that says enough right there... but really honestly and truly. It sucks having this feeling and not really doign anything going anywhere not even communicating. It's liek having everything but not being able to do anything. Better yet, liek having your cake but not eating it. Which is straight up retarded right? So tehre ya go. Retarded to teh fuckin max is a way to describe this feeling of a feeling. I just want to at the very least to be able to talk to
We die young you say?
No no I'm fine without a skullfuck thanks.
Right well, nothing quite like a nice mini-ish rant. It's a nice change of pace from the poetic wanna be shit. Without that hate and misery it's just not the same methinks. The fact that I'm writing this more liek i talk rather than endless sentences with random tangents to otehr things is a sign that I'm feeling more and more neutral. Even though both could be said to be the same thing.
But it cuts like a nightmare.
Ahaha it's bound to turn around indeed. And when it does it'll be back to the random ass titles and teh wanna be poetic shit. Probably with a rant thrown in here and tehre but who knows.
My heart goes out to you, the reader, who makes this all possible. Thank you for supporting your local whatever the fuck &c &c
silence

Stitching words together and hoping they blend

2009-11-30T23:16:00.006-05:00

What's it like to not
Think care know
About these things that
Make this heart mind soul
Writhe in agony and cry
Cry out

Cry out cry out

Hold nothing back

Flood them with all of it

Cry out cry out

Let all of it rush

Let all of it wipe everything

Away

The flood

Cleanses everything

Leaves nothing in its wake

Except what started it all

To think care know

To writhe and cry

To be left undone

To be left unheard

To be left alone

Not gonna lie, that was kinda gay

Pyros are the ones that make Fire famous

2009-11-30T00:07:00.005-05:00

Start it up
Ignition check
Shuffle the deck

Take your time
Better yet
Take mine

Shuffle again
Reshuffled
Reshuffled
Never what you're looking for
Taken through pain

Use your life
Better yet
Use mine

Final shuffle
Last call
Take it or leave it
Reshuffle

It's titles like this that make the world go 'round

2009-11-29T23:57:00.005-05:00

3 minutes
a countdown to the next day
2 minutes
what will it bring who knows it's a mystery that may or may not have already happened it's a mystery that will be discovered in due time but time must be relative like everything else
1 minute
it's almost here so close it looms just over the horizon but closer so close so close so close almost you can sense it the fear of the unknown it brings
0
and here it is
-1

Hiatus

2009-11-29T00:51:00.002-05:00

is a beautiful thing not death not life nothing but it's there and it's wonderfully at peace and full of that which is the unbirth of all

would You care to dance?

2009-11-28T00:18:00.005-05:00

Forget it all
Forget Her name
Forget it all
Forget my shame

It's the best option
It's all i can really do
It's the only option
It's not what i want from You

It's never that simple
Why can't it be
I never want to wake
It's just not me

Forgive and forget
But the latter i can't
There's nothing to forgive
Why forget She's my lamp

Useless and dying
This soul cries
There's no point
In telling myself lies

Just forget it
but i can't

i want to

but i don't

Drew and drew

2009-11-27T00:02:00.005-05:00

Cry out and scream
It seems it's all you do
Constantly and yet
What do you get

Your rage and wrath
Mean nothing to me
All you do is bitch
Go die in a fuckin' ditch

Go on, yell some more
Does it make you feel big?
In the end you just point the finger
Your scapegoat wont linger

This sacrifcial lamb
Won't stand for this
Nothing, that's what you are
You're so far over par

My anger outweighs yours
My life is so much more

So what will you do
You've got nothing left
You never had anything at all
Now we'll watch as you fall

And I'll say
You had it coming
Scratch that
Fuck you

Act 6; Scene 2

2009-11-25T23:11:00.002-05:00

11:11 make a wish

Nothing no there's no hope is there all just the hollow of crushed dreams slashed wishes slaughtered beliefs everything gone everything dead
going
Time laughs at this maniacally mocking and casting deeper deeper into the despairing pit of misery that is this soul and it laughs and laughs without a care
going
Just rise up rise above it all soar fly be free take it take the pain and grow grow stronger determined use that to pierce through and stand
going
How far is there to go how long will it take how hard will it all be it will take its toll and reaching may not be possible and then all for nothing nothing no there'd be no hope
going
just the hollow
the crushed
the slashed
the slaughtered
the laughter
gone

I Keep Flowers Around

2009-11-23T23:37:00.011-05:00

The distance, the Space, the Time,
It's unbearable
But... do You think it's fine?

How am i so insane,
oh so insane,
That i sit here
And hope and pray
and hope and pray
Day in day out
Perhaps all in vain

Someone get me out of here
sink or swim sink or swim sink or swim
Belief is all there is
Will it come alive
Or all just disappear

What do You think about this
About me about You about This
This idea this hope this dream
will it
Can it exist?

Don't need to remember
If You don't ever forget
please don't forget
But odds are You have
please don't forget
Odds or evens You have
So please, please remember

Do You know
hope and pray
What this is?
sink or swim
How can You know
hope and pray
About this wish
drowned

No

2009-11-23T00:41:00.007-05:00

I'm forcing myself
To sit here
To write this.
For what?
I don't even know
I don't even care
I just want to write

something
anything

Anything at all.

Am I really forcing myself?
No... I'm just scared.
Of what?
I
Don't
Even
Fucking
Know

It's fear

Fear of

honesty
Everything.

Trying
Failing
Succeeding

ahahahhaha succeeding

Lies
Truth
Everything

everything
everything
everything

everything

everything
every
fucking
thing

It all hurts
But it doesn't

I hate everything I just wrote
I hate that even more

I don't want to be done
I want to write on and on
Endlessly
Nothing will matter
But in the end
I'll hate all of it

wont I?

And I'll hate that hate

And it all becomes an endless cycle

This will be posted

But not wanted to be

Does that make sense?

breakdowneverysingleoneofyou

2009-11-21T00:35:00.002-05:00

I want
I will
Everything
Burn
Break
Die
Die
Die
By my hand
Sadly but
yes
no
why
What will be
Will be
What will die
Is dying
Is dead
Burn
Burn
Burn
Answers all lie
Lies are questions
In and of themselves
Everything is just
Nothing is just
why is it
why isn't it
And so we live
And so we die
And so we burn
And so we hope
And so we dream
And so I break

...You Should Get Out Of The Circus

2009-11-15T22:31:00.002-05:00

Y'know how when you're thinking about writing something or doing something a ton of ideas are there flowing around and uncountable and all that but then when you get down to doign whatever it was they all just disappear? Yeah, just happened.
In otehr news using the enter key makes things look
a tad
poetic
if nothing else.
yeah...
I kidna wanna rant more about what I ended with last time but I thikn I'll hol back on that a tad.
Just a tad.
and every so often i go back and fix up some typos, but more often than not I just leave em. Halfassed? damn straight. lulz
shut up playlist... I Can't by Radiohead. It's weird, sittin around at home liek this on the computer I've been listening to mer mellowish stuff liek The Smashing Pumpkins and now Radiohead, but whe nI'm wandering with my mp3 I prefer stuff I can kinda scream to like some Protest or Asking Alexandria's fun too (lawl title reference anyone?). Can't go wrong with Bloodmeat, siiiiiiick song I says xD
So about teh whole soul and life and whatnot, there are so many possiblities that my thoughts and views on the matetr seem to change all the time. It gets kinda confsuing at times 'cause I'm not even sure what I'm thinking half the time. Maybe thinking just isn't for me, whenever I'm lying in bed before drifting off to sleep I try "praying" to... well not erally God per se, moreso my idea of the greater (oh look an email) collection of souls that is what happens when we die. But if the soul is what keeps us alive, then what about peopel who are "vegetables"? Are they just vessels without a soul? Makes sense, and if they come back to a "normal" state maybe their soul just returned? who knows. And by soul keeping us alive i don't mean it's what keeps us ALIVE, but makes us who we are. I mean if we're not ourselves (if taht makes sense) then we;'re not really alive or tehre y'know? In that case maybe plants don't have souls in the same sense, but i mean they're living things too... it's all pretty crazy if you think about it. I dont' think the soul is too picky about what it inhabits but maybe some things are more likely or better fitted for a soul than otehrs? oh right, praying and thoughts. Well my thoughts always wander and link from one tihng to anotehr and I end up thinking about somethign entirely different from what i wanted to pray about. And by pray i mean moreso just kinda share my views/thoughts/opnions/ghopes/wishes/beliefs with "God". Why? In the hope of the otehr souls being influenced by them I guess. It'd be pretty awesome for some of thsoe wishes and hopes to come true.
And I ehar tehre's a meteor shower tomorrow and maybe for a few days after. That's pretty awesomestuff, meteor showers are great. Liek that one that was in August. Didn't see too many metoers but it was a great time. Hopefully we can do it again tomorrow, it'll probably be way chillier though xD But that's ok.
I wonder what that email says, probably nothing too important or crazy.
ayep
I wonder
things were different at this time last year
way different
better? i don't know. yeah probably. I don't like my situation of life right now. But money's needed if i wanna go where I wanna go and all. Who knows how it'll al lwork out. Hopefully for the best aye?
Sometimes I feel hopeless. Sometimes I feel allright, usually after talking to someone about my hopelessness, they offer ideas and views and stuff that make me feel better. Ok so I've talked to 2 peopel but still. They helped. then tehre're those times where I'm so distracted i don't even think about anything. Maybe those times are the best?
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
All in all, not fun thoughts liek to run rampant through my mind heart and soul. It helps put perspective on how little we are, how little we maen or do relative to everything. 'cause everything's relative. Or so i learned in physics anyways. Which I enjoyed, physics I mean. Physics and math are just nice. Maybe because it's so concrete in a way. Mabye because it just comes to me. Whenever I'm working on a physics or math quesion that non-voice in my head isn't even tehre. Or if it is I don't notice it, or rememebr it being tehre. I just kinda do teh question. Then when I look back i'm not too sure what i did half teh time. What does that even mean?
I wish i was special
But I'm a creep
I' ma weirdo
I still wanan rant a bit and go all Shakespeare kid but y'know what? I think I'll hold back. Only 'cause I don't wanna sound crazier than I just did. And partly 'cause I'm scared that this'll be read. Odds are it wont, but y'never know. And I don't knwo why, but I mean, if this is read and i go on and on about
then how will I look?
crazy and retarded and just straightup psychotic.
well more than I already have anyways.
I'm sorry to both you and myself. I hope we can both forgive me.
If I'm lucky you won't haveto, you'll just take it all as it is and accept.
That'd be lovely.
And I'd be ever so happy.

Wow I'm crazy. I shoudl stop but I don't wanan just end it off liek this. But if I go on I'll only keep falling so I should quit while I'm slightly ahead.
but I never do
I'm sorry.
again
I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to me
I'm sorry for being crazy
I'm sorry for not knowing when to give up
Because I probably should just give up
but i wont
I refuse to just give up on this hope

I'm sorry for being sorry
I'm sorry for

If You Can't Ride Two Horses At Once...

2009-11-01T13:37:00.003-05:00

All Soul's Day, I thought it was the day after Hallowe'en but the school/church (both?) i walk by on my home from work (which is pretty craptastic day in day out, even drunk it's still no fun only makes me want to throw up whiel working. i shouldn't co,mplain, i have a job, i'm making money but really i can if i want so here i am aren't i? but what use is money really? to gain material goods? In teh end does it really matter? and what IS the "end"? I mean who knows what death really is. who knwos what anythign REALLY is, this world we live in we think we'v efigured out so many things well not we as in everyone but there are those who think they know it all or know oh so much. Because theyr'e caught up on teh latest news in whatever field? whatever. money leads to materialistic gains which may bring joy for a time but in the end doesn't everything fade? all good things must come to an end, that's what they say. Who are they? Reminds me of a book I read when I was little, Eerie Indiana something or otehr. I used to read more books then... maybe becuase everything was more interesting? more likely i've just lost inetrest in many things. lots of tihngs. everything? it's getting there... it will one day, i'm pretty sure. it's not a fun thought =/ but i guess that's life eh? what's life? what's death? what IS anything REALLY? do we "exist"? what is it to exist? how'd this life of ours begin, where's it going ,why is it here? maybe there are answers maybe there aren't... what if everything means nothing? if it's just like a movie you watch then never think about again? maybe that's all we are, a movie a book a play whatever for some other... being or form or who knows what. when it ends, will anyone care? how many times will it be rewatched or reread? maybe that explains deja vu? deja vu is a pretty fancy thing, it's creepy kinda but it's really cool too. i always enjoy it. now i can't tihnk of anything to link off that so I think the rant's done for now) says it's on Nov. 2nd, being tomorrow. Whatever, doesn't really matter much i suppose. I feel sick to my stomach. Last night was fun for the most part, a great experience as a whole. too bad it ended with me spending an hour throwing up but things were laerned. fuckin vex xD that's the catch with alcohol i think, it tastes gross so you don't really want to drink it, but when it tastes good then yer pretty screwed. most of when i was throwing up is pretty blurry, i rememebr some thigns but detaisl aren't great. but hey whatever, i know who was tehre for me and i'm way better and i hope to be fine by tomorrow. so i can go to work, oh yay. but if I wasn't workign I'd be at school somewhere no? Lots of peopel may disagree but I'd MUCH rather be in school than working. one of the greatest joys I have is learning (not liek a yaay school nerd type but just leanrign thing sin general. anything really) and the problem with where i work is that i don't learn anything. i don't really feel i accomplish anything. i go, pack boxes for 8 hours (sometimes longer. usually longer) go home and oh look a phone call then go home and do nothing pretty much. or go to night class, which is allrigt just annoying as hell 'cause some people just don't stfu. stop complaining about not being ready for teh test or quiz or whatever you wanan call it, it's your own fault. we all had teh same lesson, so if i can be good to go why can't you? don't gimme some crap about work or school during teh day, i work too. I don't care about your excuses. stfu, accept it, do it, move on. if you just complain about not being ready guess what you obviously don't have enough confidence in your own skills and abilities or in your knowledge of the subject. try working on that ratehr than whining away your time, it might help. actually maybe i should try that. ratehr than thinking how much thing ssuck or are a waste i should try DOING something about things. easier said than done? sigh, stfu and man up. I'm ranting again. but it's nice. odds are no one will see this but y'know what, whatever, i'm getting it out tehre and that's what should matter in the end. when you rant TO someone you risk getting interupted and losign your flow and losign teh rant itself. this way it's all me and all rant. the end comes when i run out of thign sto rant about or i feel like it. smple as that. screw grammar and spelling. i wonder, if not for teh language we have and use in our daily lives, what would our thoughts be like? babies don't know a "language" or so we think and yet they can think right? but then again what is it to think? is it different for everyone? I know i hear a voice. but i don't really HEAR it y'know? it's just... there. i can see things too if need be, but it's mostly just teh voice. scratch that it's teh non-voice. that's what i'm dubbing it. a voice that isn't a voice. i wish i could be with . i don't even know her but something in me is compelled. and now i'm using big words. i don't even know what it is, just from my light inetrent stalking (shut up you do it too) she seems like suc ha wonderful person. and i know that when i see i have a reply from her the feelign i get is just... ineffible (lol thanks english). it's so wonderful and pure and amazing it's liek all is right with my soul. maybe that's what tha tnon-voice is? the soul. i mean do we really know we think with our minds? well mayeb we do but that thought may be the soul speaking to us. that woudl be teh defining feature of life i think, the soul. all living things mus thave one, it's what makes them alive y'know? plants, animals. if it's alive it must a have a soul. then what happens when we die? to our soul? it's not really anything that we can define or see or touch or anything right so what happens to it? maybe everything exists because of the soul? life itself is part of a giant spirit let's call it. we die it joins back up to teh whole and then splits off again to for ma new being. the universe is huge how do we know what else is out tehre? maybe it's all connected, we're all connected, through the soul. it makes sense to me, screw loopholes and fallacies (whatever those are). and this God that people have, is really just the greater part of the souls. we live in the 3rd dimesion they say, the ysay the 4th is time. maybe teh soul is a 4th dimensional being trapped in a 3 dimensional form? the soul can be "reborn" as anything at any time. it helps explain deja vu as well kinda. or those dreams that never seem to make any sense. they're jus tteh memories of teh soul. or when it joins back up to teh whole it schares teh experiences it had for all. and in a sense our connection is even greater because we're all one but not. since we don't know what happens to us when we die no one can really disprove this theory right? but even if they could i dont' care 'cause it's my belief and try all you want i'll believe in whatever the hell i want. i want to die just to find out, it seems like it'd be one crazy adventure. every living being in this world dies alone? maybe all "life" is is a leanrign experience for teh soul. it's all abaout gaining as many experineces as possible for teh greater whole. maybe that's what God is. it would be imniscient wouldn't it? with every experience ever it would haveto be. but does that mean that everything is set on a linear track? we have 1 path, 1 destiny, everything is fated to be? i don't know... I'd liek to think that fate ties into things but we ultimately decide what to do, where we go. There are many paths but the yall lead to teh same destiantion, sure, but how we get there is what matters. so in the end, does it matter if your rich and famous? it doesn't matter because in time you'll be forgotten. in time you will be someone or someting else somewhere else. i want to fly. maybe death is the best thing to happen to us in our lives? but tha tfeeling of pure goodness. it's definately teh best feeling i've ever had. transcending physical pleasure. even emotionally maybe. it was just a pure surge of good. it made my soul ecsatic. i wodner, if she were to read this, what would she think? that i'm crazy? romantic? odds are she doesn't care abotu me, or even rememebrs me. we met once, randomly, talked fora few minutes and that was that. and it's always after that that one thinks of something else tehy could've said or done to make things have gone better. i hate that. why can't i do or say that when it matters? who knows how different things could be y'know? i would really liek to be with her. to be able tot alk to her and just be in her presence. great now i'm ranting abotu a girl xD what a turn for my rant eh? ah well i guess it's to be expected eventually. now i'm no David Keis or anything, but if this is read by anyone that's great. if it somehwo helps someone, great. if it makes someone think, then that is the best result i tihnk i can get.