K-k-k-kILL

Dec. 28/09
I can't help thinking that last time I was here like this, it was the day before meeting
and it's kinda like "wow who knows what might happen tomorrow," y'know? I can hope and pray and dream even thought odds are nothing like that'll happen. But it'd be pretty awesome. I do really honestly and truly want to see Her again. Talk and get to know and love
and the same in return would be even better. I really do.
It's keeping me from death.
I'd like to believe anyways.

Dec. 29/09
Couldn't help wanting to get rammed on the highway. Not all of us, just me. A casualty of one. Not too shabby an end to the day. But then came the thought of
and I mean
I don't know
I don't want Her to be like my lifeline, my only reason but I mean
Am i just obsessed? I don't want that. I'm sure it's more. I'm alive so it must be more. Alive. Funny thing that is really.
I think I'm going to end up at Her or death sooner or later. But maybe that's ok.

Hey Jude, fuck you

I related for a fair bit. i really did. I even almost teared up at one point. Close but no. But then came teh craptastic cliche happily ever after-esque ending that won't be there for me. Where was his pain? His suicidal thoughts? His lack of feeling? His despair? He caught a lucky break and rode it to the end. That's not how real life works. It was a mockery of life. The end just sickened me.
Where's the real ending? Where he gets nowhere. Loses everything. Dies again and again each day he wakes up. That's what would happen. What will happen. What is happening.

Odd/Even

erase my regrets
erase who i am
was
the failure
just regrets upon regrets
erase my so-called life

oblivion is home
where my heart should be

a fleeting shadow that you shouldn't notice
out of the corner of your eye and gone

the way it's better off

Generic

I want to scream out
Kill everything myself nothing kill
Paint the walls with my blood
What a beautiful piece
Rip out my heart if it's there
Set it ablaze and devour the ashes

It means nothing

But I'm holding myself back
All for You but You don't know
Either hold out and live hope for You
Or give in and die

1979

these songs are playing but kinda passing me by and i don't really seem to care all too much but just enough to notice every so often that they're there
what was that?
i want to say i'm sick and tired of you holding me back from letting everything go but you're not doing anything. it's all me and i'm holding myself back because not of you because of what i'd like. what i want. what i need? that may be pushing it. Just a tad.
I'm doing this to myself for no real reason. I want to see what it's like to die. But I dont' want to die. No, I do. I really do. But I don't. I want to see how things go. Curiousity killed the cat. Curiousity is all there is. Curiousity is what keeps me alive.
I want to
I'm scared
will You please
no i wont beg
but
i want death
i want You
either or will do
but i think i'd rather it be
You
i think i might just quite possibly perhaps actually in all reality and theory and and and
i think i love You

rhyming's over-rated

Up but down
Down and up

Over and over it's all
It is
over and over
over and over
over and over again

Nowhere to go or be
Nothing to do on the way
There
It's unjust there

Not anywhere
Not anything

Fuck the positive
Embrace the negative
It just wants to be
loved
Not pitied
like the rest of us

summer-time

i seek approval
just want to be liked
please
why won't you praise me
like me, please
i'm just a whore for approval
pity
anything
love me
i don't know
love
i feel but
i don't
because i'm dead
better off dead
so psychotic
or maybe awake
better off dead

Paths X Bridges

Figuring it out is an art
Of unquestionable & incalculable glory
That shines and sins through story
In the margins of the heart

Throughout the cross ups
Hold ups
Turn ups
It's all laid to waste
Postmarked: post haste

Here comes the changeover

"It's not enough to be numbered with the grains of sand on the beach and the stars in the sky"
"The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly"

Changeover finale

An artist without the art
Kills not himself alone
But those in his home
In the margins of your heart

Brakes delay the inevitable

Play the game
Not knowing the rules
Those who aim
Are all fools
Those who win
Are without name
Those who lose
Are the sane

I'm a creep but you're no angel

Knife in the back (with) no second glance
Your deciet made this heart dance

In a rhetorical world

Hypothetically speaking, you loved,
Realistically, you lied.
Hypothetically, this soul was warm,
Realistically, it died.

Hypothetically speaking, you were happy,
Realistically, you spun a plot.
Hypothetically, I was happy,
Realistically, this heart was caught.

Hypothetically speaking, all was good,
Realistically, it couldn't've been worse.
Hypothetically, there was forever,
Realistically, there was only a hearse.

Hypothetically speaking or not,
Realistically tied in a knot,
Hypothetically, for me you were there,
Realistically you became my nightmare.

running rampant

there was something i wanted to write about something good and not happy per se but it made me feel good inside but now i've crushed it with my own self hate and fear and loathing and it's not there anymore and it's such a horrible horrible feeling of desperate desolace filled and brimming with hatehatehate it's just so horrifying and i'm scared not per se but this feeling of just dread and crushed death hope gone i don't even know what i'm saying but i'm saying it and it's like verbal vomit scratch that it is but tomorrow is always there and odds or evens it will be filled with more of this self disgust and hate and just straight up unwanting of lifeverything i want a redo a reshuffle a new hand but alas that's not how it goes is it this is how it goes this life that i don't want this work money school grades money work work work die no that's not right why where's the live in life where's the enjoy fun laugh love where where where it's all that's worth it in the end where will anythign else lead work may lead to success or betetr a sense of purpose or fulfilment but friends love happy laugh it's so much better so much more worth it but in this day and age this society this dying world that wont cut it will it it wants to drain us drain me drain you why not just connect with everyone and live instead of survive it'd be such a nicer better happier lovelier place or so i'd like love to think know feel love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate you love me hate me love you sleep fly love happy that's all i want will you help me please i wish please please please let this wish come true

goodnightsun

That hate and anger and wrath that's been filling me up lately seems to be kinda... less. It's a good thing really but I feel kinda empty without it. It gave me some form of purpose, soem sense of anything and without it I'm just kinda blank and empty inside. I mean no it's not completely gone and never coming back, oh no no no. I guess it just kinda ebbs and flows. Like the tide. Or some retarded pms but not really. Whatever, it'll be back I'm sure. And with it will come back all that anger and wrath and misery. Oh teh misery. Something I'm sure I'd much ratehr do without but I think it'd leave me empty without it. B-sides (lulz), it's an emotio nand emotion = living and if not for all of them wouldn't that kinda be like being dead? But liek i said before, who knows, Death may just be the best part of Life. Who knows.
I really really really do wish that
Cue Shakespeare kid
I think that says enough right there... but really honestly and truly. It sucks having this feeling and not really doign anything going anywhere not even communicating. It's liek having everything but not being able to do anything. Better yet, liek having your cake but not eating it. Which is straight up retarded right? So tehre ya go. Retarded to teh fuckin max is a way to describe this feeling of a feeling. I just want to at the very least to be able to talk to
We die young you say?
No no I'm fine without a skullfuck thanks.
Right well, nothing quite like a nice mini-ish rant. It's a nice change of pace from the poetic wanna be shit. Without that hate and misery it's just not the same methinks. The fact that I'm writing this more liek i talk rather than endless sentences with random tangents to otehr things is a sign that I'm feeling more and more neutral. Even though both could be said to be the same thing.
But it cuts like a nightmare.
Ahaha it's bound to turn around indeed. And when it does it'll be back to the random ass titles and teh wanna be poetic shit. Probably with a rant thrown in here and tehre but who knows.
My heart goes out to you, the reader, who makes this all possible. Thank you for supporting your local whatever the fuck &c &c
silence

Stitching words together and hoping they blend

What's it like to not
Think care know
About these things that
Make this heart mind soul
Writhe in agony and cry
Cry out

Cry out cry out

Hold nothing back

Flood them with all of it

Cry out cry out

Let all of it rush

Let all of it wipe everything

Away

The flood

Cleanses everything

Leaves nothing in its wake

Except what started it all

To think care know

To writhe and cry

To be left undone

To be left unheard

To be left alone

.

.

.

Not gonna lie, that was kinda gay

Pyros are the ones that make Fire famous

Start it up
Ignition check
Shuffle the deck

Take your time
Better yet
Take mine

Shuffle again
Reshuffled
Reshuffled
Never what you're looking for
Taken through pain

Use your life
Better yet
Use mine

Final shuffle
Last call
Take it or leave it
Reshuffle

It's titles like this that make the world go 'round

3 minutes
a countdown to the next day
2 minutes
what will it bring who knows it's a mystery that may or may not have already happened it's a mystery that will be discovered in due time but time must be relative like everything else
1 minute
it's almost here so close it looms just over the horizon but closer so close so close so close almost you can sense it the fear of the unknown it brings
0
and here it is
-1

Hiatus

is a beautiful thing not death not life nothing but it's there and it's wonderfully at peace and full of that which is the unbirth of all

would You care to dance?

Forget it all
Forget Her name
Forget it all
Forget my shame

It's the best option
It's all i can really do
It's the only option
It's not what i want from You

It's never that simple
Why can't it be
I never want to wake
It's just not me

Forgive and forget
But the latter i can't
There's nothing to forgive
Why forget She's my lamp


Useless and dying
This soul cries
There's no point
In telling myself lies


Just forget it
but i can't

i want to

but i don't

Drew and drew

Cry out and scream
It seems it's all you do
Constantly and yet
What do you get

Your rage and wrath
Mean nothing to me
All you do is bitch
Go die in a fuckin' ditch

Go on, yell some more
Does it make you feel big?
In the end you just point the finger
Your scapegoat wont linger

This sacrifcial lamb
Won't stand for this
Nothing, that's what you are
You're so far over par

My anger outweighs yours
My life is so much more

So what will you do
You've got nothing left
You never had anything at all
Now we'll watch as you fall

And I'll say
You had it coming
Scratch that
Fuck you

Act 6; Scene 2

11:11 make a wish

Nothing no there's no hope is there all just the hollow of crushed dreams slashed wishes slaughtered beliefs everything gone everything dead
going
Time laughs at this maniacally mocking and casting deeper deeper into the despairing pit of misery that is this soul and it laughs and laughs without a care
going
Just rise up rise above it all soar fly be free take it take the pain and grow grow stronger determined use that to pierce through and stand
going
How far is there to go how long will it take how hard will it all be it will take its toll and reaching may not be possible and then all for nothing nothing no there'd be no hope
going
just the hollow
the crushed
the slashed
the slaughtered
the laughter
gone

I Keep Flowers Around

The distance, the Space, the Time,
It's unbearable
But... do You think it's fine?

How am i so insane,
oh so insane,
That i sit here
And hope and pray
and hope and pray
Day in day out
Perhaps all in vain

Someone get me out of here
sink or swim sink or swim sink or swim
Belief is all there is
Will it come alive
Or all just disappear

What do You think about this
About me about You about This
This idea this hope this dream
will it
Can it exist?

Don't need to remember
If You don't ever forget
please don't forget
But odds are You have
please don't forget
Odds or evens You have
So please, please remember

Do You know
hope and pray
What this is?
sink or swim
How can You know
hope and pray
About this wish
drowned

I'm forcing myself
To sit here
To write this.
For what?
I don't even know
I don't even care
I just want to write

something
anything

Anything at all.

Am I really forcing myself?
No... I'm just scared.
Of what?
I
Don't
Even
Fucking
Know

It's fear

Fear of

honesty
Everything.

Trying
Failing
Succeeding

ahahahhaha succeeding

Lies
Truth
Everything

everything
everything
everything

everything

everything

everything

everything

everything
every
fucking
thing

It all hurts
But it doesn't


I hate everything I just wrote
I hate that even more

I don't want to be done
I want to write on and on
Endlessly
Nothing will matter
But in the end
I'll hate all of it

wont I?

And I'll hate that hate

And it all becomes an endless cycle

This will be posted

But not wanted to be

Does that make sense?

breakdowneverysingleoneofyou

I want
I will
Everything
Burn
Break
Die
Die
Die
By my hand
Sadly but
yes
no
why
What will be
Will be
What will die
Is dying
Is dead
Burn
Burn
Burn
Answers all lie
Lies are questions
In and of themselves
Everything is just
Nothing is just
why is it
why isn't it
And so we live
And so we die
And so we burn
And so we hope
And so we dream
And so I break

...You Should Get Out Of The Circus

Y'know how when you're thinking about writing something or doing something a ton of ideas are there flowing around and uncountable and all that but then when you get down to doign whatever it was they all just disappear? Yeah, just happened.
In otehr news using the enter key makes things look
a tad
poetic
if nothing else.
yeah...
I kidna wanna rant more about what I ended with last time but I thikn I'll hol back on that a tad.
Just a tad.
and every so often i go back and fix up some typos, but more often than not I just leave em. Halfassed? damn straight. lulz
shut up playlist... I Can't by Radiohead. It's weird, sittin around at home liek this on the computer I've been listening to mer mellowish stuff liek The Smashing Pumpkins and now Radiohead, but whe nI'm wandering with my mp3 I prefer stuff I can kinda scream to like some Protest or Asking Alexandria's fun too (lawl title reference anyone?). Can't go wrong with Bloodmeat, siiiiiiick song I says xD
So about teh whole soul and life and whatnot, there are so many possiblities that my thoughts and views on the matetr seem to change all the time. It gets kinda confsuing at times 'cause I'm not even sure what I'm thinking half the time. Maybe thinking just isn't for me, whenever I'm lying in bed before drifting off to sleep I try "praying" to... well not erally God per se, moreso my idea of the greater (oh look an email) collection of souls that is what happens when we die. But if the soul is what keeps us alive, then what about peopel who are "vegetables"? Are they just vessels without a soul? Makes sense, and if they come back to a "normal" state maybe their soul just returned? who knows. And by soul keeping us alive i don't mean it's what keeps us ALIVE, but makes us who we are. I mean if we're not ourselves (if taht makes sense) then we;'re not really alive or tehre y'know? In that case maybe plants don't have souls in the same sense, but i mean they're living things too... it's all pretty crazy if you think about it. I dont' think the soul is too picky about what it inhabits but maybe some things are more likely or better fitted for a soul than otehrs? oh right, praying and thoughts. Well my thoughts always wander and link from one tihng to anotehr and I end up thinking about somethign entirely different from what i wanted to pray about. And by pray i mean moreso just kinda share my views/thoughts/opnions/ghopes/wishes/beliefs with "God". Why? In the hope of the otehr souls being influenced by them I guess. It'd be pretty awesome for some of thsoe wishes and hopes to come true.
And I ehar tehre's a meteor shower tomorrow and maybe for a few days after. That's pretty awesomestuff, meteor showers are great. Liek that one that was in August. Didn't see too many metoers but it was a great time. Hopefully we can do it again tomorrow, it'll probably be way chillier though xD But that's ok.
I wonder what that email says, probably nothing too important or crazy.
ayep
I wonder
things were different at this time last year
way different
better? i don't know. yeah probably. I don't like my situation of life right now. But money's needed if i wanna go where I wanna go and all. Who knows how it'll al lwork out. Hopefully for the best aye?
Sometimes I feel hopeless. Sometimes I feel allright, usually after talking to someone about my hopelessness, they offer ideas and views and stuff that make me feel better. Ok so I've talked to 2 peopel but still. They helped. then tehre're those times where I'm so distracted i don't even think about anything. Maybe those times are the best?
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
All in all, not fun thoughts liek to run rampant through my mind heart and soul. It helps put perspective on how little we are, how little we maen or do relative to everything. 'cause everything's relative. Or so i learned in physics anyways. Which I enjoyed, physics I mean. Physics and math are just nice. Maybe because it's so concrete in a way. Mabye because it just comes to me. Whenever I'm working on a physics or math quesion that non-voice in my head isn't even tehre. Or if it is I don't notice it, or rememebr it being tehre. I just kinda do teh question. Then when I look back i'm not too sure what i did half teh time. What does that even mean?
I wish i was special
But I'm a creep
I' ma weirdo
I still wanan rant a bit and go all Shakespeare kid but y'know what? I think I'll hold back. Only 'cause I don't wanna sound crazier than I just did. And partly 'cause I'm scared that this'll be read. Odds are it wont, but y'never know. And I don't knwo why, but I mean, if this is read and i go on and on about
then how will I look?
crazy and retarded and just straightup psychotic.
well more than I already have anyways.
I'm sorry to both you and myself. I hope we can both forgive me.
If I'm lucky you won't haveto, you'll just take it all as it is and accept.
That'd be lovely.
And I'd be ever so happy.

Wow I'm crazy. I shoudl stop but I don't wanan just end it off liek this. But if I go on I'll only keep falling so I should quit while I'm slightly ahead.
but I never do
I'm sorry.
again
I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to me
I'm sorry for being crazy
I'm sorry for not knowing when to give up
Because I probably should just give up
but i wont
I refuse to just give up on this hope

I'm sorry for being sorry
I'm sorry for

If You Can't Ride Two Horses At Once...

All Soul's Day, I thought it was the day after Hallowe'en but the school/church (both?) i walk by on my home from work (which is pretty craptastic day in day out, even drunk it's still no fun only makes me want to throw up whiel working. i shouldn't co,mplain, i have a job, i'm making money but really i can if i want so here i am aren't i? but what use is money really? to gain material goods? In teh end does it really matter? and what IS the "end"? I mean who knows what death really is. who knwos what anythign REALLY is, this world we live in we think we'v efigured out so many things well not we as in everyone but there are those who think they know it all or know oh so much. Because theyr'e caught up on teh latest news in whatever field? whatever. money leads to materialistic gains which may bring joy for a time but in the end doesn't everything fade? all good things must come to an end, that's what they say. Who are they? Reminds me of a book I read when I was little, Eerie Indiana something or otehr. I used to read more books then... maybe becuase everything was more interesting? more likely i've just lost inetrest in many things. lots of tihngs. everything? it's getting there... it will one day, i'm pretty sure. it's not a fun thought =/ but i guess that's life eh? what's life? what's death? what IS anything REALLY? do we "exist"? what is it to exist? how'd this life of ours begin, where's it going ,why is it here? maybe there are answers maybe there aren't... what if everything means nothing? if it's just like a movie you watch then never think about again? maybe that's all we are, a movie a book a play whatever for some other... being or form or who knows what. when it ends, will anyone care? how many times will it be rewatched or reread? maybe that explains deja vu? deja vu is a pretty fancy thing, it's creepy kinda but it's really cool too. i always enjoy it. now i can't tihnk of anything to link off that so I think the rant's done for now) says it's on Nov. 2nd, being tomorrow. Whatever, doesn't really matter much i suppose. I feel sick to my stomach. Last night was fun for the most part, a great experience as a whole. too bad it ended with me spending an hour throwing up but things were laerned. fuckin vex xD that's the catch with alcohol i think, it tastes gross so you don't really want to drink it, but when it tastes good then yer pretty screwed. most of when i was throwing up is pretty blurry, i rememebr some thigns but detaisl aren't great. but hey whatever, i know who was tehre for me and i'm way better and i hope to be fine by tomorrow. so i can go to work, oh yay. but if I wasn't workign I'd be at school somewhere no? Lots of peopel may disagree but I'd MUCH rather be in school than working. one of the greatest joys I have is learning (not liek a yaay school nerd type but just leanrign thing sin general. anything really) and the problem with where i work is that i don't learn anything. i don't really feel i accomplish anything. i go, pack boxes for 8 hours (sometimes longer. usually longer) go home and oh look a phone call then go home and do nothing pretty much. or go to night class, which is allrigt just annoying as hell 'cause some people just don't stfu. stop complaining about not being ready for teh test or quiz or whatever you wanan call it, it's your own fault. we all had teh same lesson, so if i can be good to go why can't you? don't gimme some crap about work or school during teh day, i work too. I don't care about your excuses. stfu, accept it, do it, move on. if you just complain about not being ready guess what you obviously don't have enough confidence in your own skills and abilities or in your knowledge of the subject. try working on that ratehr than whining away your time, it might help. actually maybe i should try that. ratehr than thinking how much thing ssuck or are a waste i should try DOING something about things. easier said than done? sigh, stfu and man up. I'm ranting again. but it's nice. odds are no one will see this but y'know what, whatever, i'm getting it out tehre and that's what should matter in the end. when you rant TO someone you risk getting interupted and losign your flow and losign teh rant itself. this way it's all me and all rant. the end comes when i run out of thign sto rant about or i feel like it. smple as that. screw grammar and spelling. i wonder, if not for teh language we have and use in our daily lives, what would our thoughts be like? babies don't know a "language" or so we think and yet they can think right? but then again what is it to think? is it different for everyone? I know i hear a voice. but i don't really HEAR it y'know? it's just... there. i can see things too if need be, but it's mostly just teh voice. scratch that it's teh non-voice. that's what i'm dubbing it. a voice that isn't a voice. i wish i could be with . i don't even know her but something in me is compelled. and now i'm using big words. i don't even know what it is, just from my light inetrent stalking (shut up you do it too) she seems like suc ha wonderful person. and i know that when i see i have a reply from her the feelign i get is just... ineffible (lol thanks english). it's so wonderful and pure and amazing it's liek all is right with my soul. maybe that's what tha tnon-voice is? the soul. i mean do we really know we think with our minds? well mayeb we do but that thought may be the soul speaking to us. that woudl be teh defining feature of life i think, the soul. all living things mus thave one, it's what makes them alive y'know? plants, animals. if it's alive it must a have a soul. then what happens when we die? to our soul? it's not really anything that we can define or see or touch or anything right so what happens to it? maybe everything exists because of the soul? life itself is part of a giant spirit let's call it. we die it joins back up to teh whole and then splits off again to for ma new being. the universe is huge how do we know what else is out tehre? maybe it's all connected, we're all connected, through the soul. it makes sense to me, screw loopholes and fallacies (whatever those are). and this God that people have, is really just the greater part of the souls. we live in the 3rd dimesion they say, the ysay the 4th is time. maybe teh soul is a 4th dimensional being trapped in a 3 dimensional form? the soul can be "reborn" as anything at any time. it helps explain deja vu as well kinda. or those dreams that never seem to make any sense. they're jus tteh memories of teh soul. or when it joins back up to teh whole it schares teh experiences it had for all. and in a sense our connection is even greater because we're all one but not. since we don't know what happens to us when we die no one can really disprove this theory right? but even if they could i dont' care 'cause it's my belief and try all you want i'll believe in whatever the hell i want. i want to die just to find out, it seems like it'd be one crazy adventure. every living being in this world dies alone? maybe all "life" is is a leanrign experience for teh soul. it's all abaout gaining as many experineces as possible for teh greater whole. maybe that's what God is. it would be imniscient wouldn't it? with every experience ever it would haveto be. but does that mean that everything is set on a linear track? we have 1 path, 1 destiny, everything is fated to be? i don't know... I'd liek to think that fate ties into things but we ultimately decide what to do, where we go. There are many paths but the yall lead to teh same destiantion, sure, but how we get there is what matters. so in the end, does it matter if your rich and famous? it doesn't matter because in time you'll be forgotten. in time you will be someone or someting else somewhere else. i want to fly. maybe death is the best thing to happen to us in our lives? but tha tfeeling of pure goodness. it's definately teh best feeling i've ever had. transcending physical pleasure. even emotionally maybe. it was just a pure surge of good. it made my soul ecsatic. i wodner, if she were to read this, what would she think? that i'm crazy? romantic? odds are she doesn't care abotu me, or even rememebrs me. we met once, randomly, talked fora few minutes and that was that. and it's always after that that one thinks of something else tehy could've said or done to make things have gone better. i hate that. why can't i do or say that when it matters? who knows how different things could be y'know? i would really liek to be with her. to be able tot alk to her and just be in her presence. great now i'm ranting abotu a girl xD what a turn for my rant eh? ah well i guess it's to be expected eventually. now i'm no David Keis or anything, but if this is read by anyone that's great. if it somehwo helps someone, great. if it makes someone think, then that is the best result i tihnk i can get.