K-k-k-kILL

Dec. 28/09
I can't help thinking that last time I was here like this, it was the day before meeting
and it's kinda like "wow who knows what might happen tomorrow," y'know? I can hope and pray and dream even thought odds are nothing like that'll happen. But it'd be pretty awesome. I do really honestly and truly want to see Her again. Talk and get to know and love
and the same in return would be even better. I really do.
It's keeping me from death.
I'd like to believe anyways.

Dec. 29/09
Couldn't help wanting to get rammed on the highway. Not all of us, just me. A casualty of one. Not too shabby an end to the day. But then came the thought of
and I mean
I don't know
I don't want Her to be like my lifeline, my only reason but I mean
Am i just obsessed? I don't want that. I'm sure it's more. I'm alive so it must be more. Alive. Funny thing that is really.
I think I'm going to end up at Her or death sooner or later. But maybe that's ok.

Hey Jude, fuck you

I related for a fair bit. i really did. I even almost teared up at one point. Close but no. But then came teh craptastic cliche happily ever after-esque ending that won't be there for me. Where was his pain? His suicidal thoughts? His lack of feeling? His despair? He caught a lucky break and rode it to the end. That's not how real life works. It was a mockery of life. The end just sickened me.
Where's the real ending? Where he gets nowhere. Loses everything. Dies again and again each day he wakes up. That's what would happen. What will happen. What is happening.

Odd/Even

erase my regrets
erase who i am
was
the failure
just regrets upon regrets
erase my so-called life

oblivion is home
where my heart should be

a fleeting shadow that you shouldn't notice
out of the corner of your eye and gone

the way it's better off

Generic

I want to scream out
Kill everything myself nothing kill
Paint the walls with my blood
What a beautiful piece
Rip out my heart if it's there
Set it ablaze and devour the ashes

It means nothing

But I'm holding myself back
All for You but You don't know
Either hold out and live hope for You
Or give in and die

1979

these songs are playing but kinda passing me by and i don't really seem to care all too much but just enough to notice every so often that they're there
what was that?
i want to say i'm sick and tired of you holding me back from letting everything go but you're not doing anything. it's all me and i'm holding myself back because not of you because of what i'd like. what i want. what i need? that may be pushing it. Just a tad.
I'm doing this to myself for no real reason. I want to see what it's like to die. But I dont' want to die. No, I do. I really do. But I don't. I want to see how things go. Curiousity killed the cat. Curiousity is all there is. Curiousity is what keeps me alive.
I want to
I'm scared
will You please
no i wont beg
but
i want death
i want You
either or will do
but i think i'd rather it be
You
i think i might just quite possibly perhaps actually in all reality and theory and and and
i think i love You

rhyming's over-rated

Up but down
Down and up

Over and over it's all
It is
over and over
over and over
over and over again

Nowhere to go or be
Nothing to do on the way
There
It's unjust there

Not anywhere
Not anything

Fuck the positive
Embrace the negative
It just wants to be
loved
Not pitied
like the rest of us

summer-time

i seek approval
just want to be liked
please
why won't you praise me
like me, please
i'm just a whore for approval
pity
anything
love me
i don't know
love
i feel but
i don't
because i'm dead
better off dead
so psychotic
or maybe awake
better off dead

Paths X Bridges

Figuring it out is an art
Of unquestionable & incalculable glory
That shines and sins through story
In the margins of the heart

Throughout the cross ups
Hold ups
Turn ups
It's all laid to waste
Postmarked: post haste

Here comes the changeover

"It's not enough to be numbered with the grains of sand on the beach and the stars in the sky"
"The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly"

Changeover finale

An artist without the art
Kills not himself alone
But those in his home
In the margins of your heart

Brakes delay the inevitable

Play the game
Not knowing the rules
Those who aim
Are all fools
Those who win
Are without name
Those who lose
Are the sane

I'm a creep but you're no angel

Knife in the back (with) no second glance
Your deciet made this heart dance

In a rhetorical world

Hypothetically speaking, you loved,
Realistically, you lied.
Hypothetically, this soul was warm,
Realistically, it died.

Hypothetically speaking, you were happy,
Realistically, you spun a plot.
Hypothetically, I was happy,
Realistically, this heart was caught.

Hypothetically speaking, all was good,
Realistically, it couldn't've been worse.
Hypothetically, there was forever,
Realistically, there was only a hearse.

Hypothetically speaking or not,
Realistically tied in a knot,
Hypothetically, for me you were there,
Realistically you became my nightmare.

running rampant

there was something i wanted to write about something good and not happy per se but it made me feel good inside but now i've crushed it with my own self hate and fear and loathing and it's not there anymore and it's such a horrible horrible feeling of desperate desolace filled and brimming with hatehatehate it's just so horrifying and i'm scared not per se but this feeling of just dread and crushed death hope gone i don't even know what i'm saying but i'm saying it and it's like verbal vomit scratch that it is but tomorrow is always there and odds or evens it will be filled with more of this self disgust and hate and just straight up unwanting of lifeverything i want a redo a reshuffle a new hand but alas that's not how it goes is it this is how it goes this life that i don't want this work money school grades money work work work die no that's not right why where's the live in life where's the enjoy fun laugh love where where where it's all that's worth it in the end where will anythign else lead work may lead to success or betetr a sense of purpose or fulfilment but friends love happy laugh it's so much better so much more worth it but in this day and age this society this dying world that wont cut it will it it wants to drain us drain me drain you why not just connect with everyone and live instead of survive it'd be such a nicer better happier lovelier place or so i'd like love to think know feel love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate you love me hate me love you sleep fly love happy that's all i want will you help me please i wish please please please let this wish come true

goodnightsun

That hate and anger and wrath that's been filling me up lately seems to be kinda... less. It's a good thing really but I feel kinda empty without it. It gave me some form of purpose, soem sense of anything and without it I'm just kinda blank and empty inside. I mean no it's not completely gone and never coming back, oh no no no. I guess it just kinda ebbs and flows. Like the tide. Or some retarded pms but not really. Whatever, it'll be back I'm sure. And with it will come back all that anger and wrath and misery. Oh teh misery. Something I'm sure I'd much ratehr do without but I think it'd leave me empty without it. B-sides (lulz), it's an emotio nand emotion = living and if not for all of them wouldn't that kinda be like being dead? But liek i said before, who knows, Death may just be the best part of Life. Who knows.
I really really really do wish that
Cue Shakespeare kid
I think that says enough right there... but really honestly and truly. It sucks having this feeling and not really doign anything going anywhere not even communicating. It's liek having everything but not being able to do anything. Better yet, liek having your cake but not eating it. Which is straight up retarded right? So tehre ya go. Retarded to teh fuckin max is a way to describe this feeling of a feeling. I just want to at the very least to be able to talk to
We die young you say?
No no I'm fine without a skullfuck thanks.
Right well, nothing quite like a nice mini-ish rant. It's a nice change of pace from the poetic wanna be shit. Without that hate and misery it's just not the same methinks. The fact that I'm writing this more liek i talk rather than endless sentences with random tangents to otehr things is a sign that I'm feeling more and more neutral. Even though both could be said to be the same thing.
But it cuts like a nightmare.
Ahaha it's bound to turn around indeed. And when it does it'll be back to the random ass titles and teh wanna be poetic shit. Probably with a rant thrown in here and tehre but who knows.
My heart goes out to you, the reader, who makes this all possible. Thank you for supporting your local whatever the fuck &c &c
silence