Hate's too strong, Love's too weak

Factors of the sky rendered heart
Shaped and pierced by lackluster art
All words all thoughts all souls
Day in day out weeping endings start
Crossing over under through each other
Forming nothing but complexity's brutality

Wretched pieces of haphazard cloth
Shredding wings of dusty moths
Shed no tears
Laugh for them
And at us

Pyres drenched expected to blaze
Muddled muddied confusion
Those were the days
Yours to take
Fake
Give it back
Undeserving
Go away
Liar
These aren't tears

In this mess of drowning
For years and years and years and years
Of avoidance
Desperation and struggle of no action
Discourse continuing throughout all of it
Meaning absolutely what it was
Losing losing losing losinglosing losig losing losing lsong lsng lsong lsoing losing losing losing losing loing losing lonsgf losig soing lsogn lsing slgmsgslglsgl slgslglinslgmsgoks

Tearing up
And lost

Why even bother with this
All is ripped apart and handed back to me in flames
Ashes burning alone
Burning in pain
Why should they?
While dying for an apparent nothing
That simply shreds me apart
Mercilessly
Heartlessly
Painfully
All for what? Nothing
I know it
You know it
Why even bother with the charade when it's obvious
This drunken rant is truth
While those sober hopes are lies
Is this what truth really is?
Far too many thoughts to keep track of
And all I want is to kill

3 days earlier

Why care? Why even bother?
Do you? You act like you do,
so well sometimes, but do you really?
Raising my hopes, my dreams flourish.
Then your hailstorm crushes it all.
Why? What am I to you? Do I mean anything?
Maybe you're not to blame; I want it to be true.
But no. It's only you.
Why can't I ever win?

Why do you do this to me? How can you?
You say you miss me, love me, and yet?!
Why the fuck why how what
IT MAKES NO SENSE
I'm dying for you, killing myself for you
I'm going far too far for nothing

Tomorrow

This is far more than pain
An embellishment of hate
Simply put my mind laughs
My heart dies
My soul weeps
The sky cries

Shards of myself lie scattered across the floor
I'll watch them, admire them, hate them
Eventually gather up all I can
But it's never as many as there were
Then once again, once more, I'll shatter
With fewer and fewer pieces each time
Until none remain

All the while, the entire time
Constantly and unrelentingly
My broken soul and ashen heart
How pitiful they are
Yearning for what they can't have
Anger will engulf them
Hate will destroy them
Misery will drown everything

This is simply the role I've been handed
I'll play it gloriously

My audience
Pride stabbing
Greed devouring
Envy controlling
Wrath destroying
Everything
These are my colours
These are my truths
They will guide me
Along my path of self-destruction
To nowhere yet everywhere and
Countless dreams will turn to dread
Vision will blur with flame
Pathetic fallacy will drown all
While I rejoice cry lie die
With my useless love

I'm far too hopeless a romantic for this
Any of this
All of it

Between here and now to there and when lies
What? Typing like this is such a different experience as compared t opencil and paper
The flow’s different
It’s all different
Typos, capitals, keystrokes
As opposed to the sketching stroke of my letters, the sound it makes
Honestly i think i enjoy that sound
It’s so.... i don’t even know, it just is
And i enjoy it so
I’ve completely lost where i was trying to go when i started this

nights like these i hate the most

in the moonlight everything seems so
unreal, dreamlike, is anything really happening?
the light it casts on you
it lets you glow
you radiate brilliance
are you really there? do you exist with me?
can we occupy the same time and space
without my world being engulfed by sleep?
but it's such a beautiful shine
i hope this night never ends
it's the closest we'll ever get
it's perfection for just a fraction of a moment's instant
and it's so much more than enough
if i wake all i want is to
find, be with, adore, everything as long as it's you
sunshine gives my surrealistic hopes, dreams, and views
such a different look
nothing's the same as it was, as it could be
as i want it to be
you're still beautiful
but it's different
you still glow, you still radiate, i still want, adore
but it's all different
this light's harsh
blinding
in the blink of an eye you disappear
when will the moon come back?
will you be there when it does?
what if i could take the sun's glaring truth away?
but then there'd be no moonlit perfection
would there?
you'd fade away with the night's shadows
gone forever
and i'd have less than i do now
let's defy the world and keep this cloudless night alive
impossible as it may be
moonlight or sunshine
i have no more words
words can't do this justice anyways

lawn

Take it all away
This gentleman's tale
Enticed to no avail

Don't ever make it stay
Just fake it all ok
Thrown astray

This path's full of thorns
Winding through your garden
The same I helped grow
Time to reap what was sown

Yet looking back I had no clue
None whatsoever
It overtook my consciousness without warning
It's almost unfair

I know what it is:

A ride of amazing highs and horrible lows that I should get off of because in the end it will destroy me more than I already have

taking a page from David Keis and swearing

It turns out it's the same old story as always isn't it?
The start the middle the end it's always the same in the end
I want you to leave
It'd make everything so much easier
But I don't want you to leave at all
Please stay here
Stay with me
It makes it so much harder but
What I want isn't what you want
What you want is a complete mystery to me
What I want is pretty mysterious to me as well
This may just be a lose-lose situation for all
Please go away
Never look back
Never say another word to me
Don't think about me, even in passing
Erase me completely and maybe I'll disappear
It's the easiest thing for everyone
But
I don't know if I can let that happen
I'm dying to have your attention
Why is it always like this?
You're still there
Why are you there
This is torture
I've fallen into my own trap
For the nth time
I never learn do I?
It shouldn't be this way
It should never have to be this way
Why does it have to be this way
Please just go away
Leave me alone
Please make this easy
Please say something
No don't
Just leave
Because I can't
Disappear
Never come back
I'm greedy
Envious
Full of fake pride
Starting to leak wrath
These sins of mine will destroy me
I don't want to destroy you too
Would you be ever so kind as to save me?
It's not saving that I need
Just want
Thoughts are running rampant and shredding themselves apart amongst the ruins of my very heart and soul
And yet you're still there
Why won't you leave?!
Leave me alone
For everyone's sake
If you won't leave then at the very least come closer
Stop mocking me with your presence
Just being there isn't
It's not
Why can't
Words fail me
I fail me
I feel
I've lost again
I'm lost
Now close to breaking
I'm sick of it
I want to but don't
I don't want to but I do
It's always like this
I want revenge
Avenge my heart
If you leave I'll regret it instantly
I regret it already
Please don't go away
But don't stay
I want to tell you all of this but I know I can't
I shouldn't
At all
Never
This game always rips me apart
And always draws me back in

Scratchcards & Losses

Counting down the dwindling moments
Peace awaits at the end of the road
It's all I can think of
What I dream of, even awake
It's taken complete hold with its charm

breathe in
Like gypsies dancing around an open flame
count
Like if looks could kill and you could aim
count
Like the moonlight in its prime
pause
Like a lady who's not mine
breathe out

Corruption everywhere
All over inside covering smothering
All of it everything
Nothing is pure
Why must this be

What is this Who am I What is the point of this
Crazy fucked up day-to-day bullshit That we call a life
Causing pain and misery Spreading like a virus
Until nothing's left

Like gypsies dying around an open flame
Like if looks could kill and you took aim
Like the moonlight past its prime
Like a lady dressed and dying

Breathe in
Count
Count
Pause
Breathe out
I want it Need it now
There will be peace

Romanticism

It's because you think I care
That's what it all comes down to
I'd burn the oceans for a chance
To prove this for you

So maybe love's not it exactly
But honestly it's ineffable
I swear that on my life
That doesn't mean much but you mean so much
So it evens out

The Ides of March are nothing to me
The Tides of Dawn are stirring
So let's set sail on this black blood sea
As Dusk breaks apart the waves

Pacing pacing pacing pacing
Days Weeks Months Years
All just words passing through our ears

And then
Gunn to my head
No trigger to pull
Shot without spark
All feelings turn null

Tasteless

We could've had so much
It's a shame you can't stay
"I've burned my bed," is all you can say

Burning indecisions laced
Lying intersections paced
Positively & negatively &

Your words are vague but not enough
So tell me now with that blurred voice
How can this pulse to flow ever take place
While my sleeve hides a crying ace

Startling decisions based
Too many horrors faced
Rationally absurd

So
Before we all burn
Let's dance along
To these crackling embers
Turned roaring flames
Drowned voices and surreal haze

Court Appearance for Adam Flores

Wounds and pain fade over time
But what isn't hurt can't heal
And why hurt what doesn't feel

Each word is another attempt to create
What's needed so that it can start
Instead it all falls apart

This too shall pass
Until then
Here's the crash burn and thrash

Missed and wished on colours dead and reborn
Kissed and ditched through razor wire and thorns

The red dream burns through days
Through nights
Through blind eyes
Through deaf ears
Through the numb
The numb you've come to know
That's come to know you
That it is you are we've become

You look to be empty
Ask yourself:
Why?

Surrealism 250809

Time blurs anything and everything
Together so that present future past
Are never meant to last

The clocktower pines through its chimes
It wants to be seen and heard
And you, my dear, are its caged bird
(Constantly lured)

We should enjoy this relapse before it turns and starts to collapse

I'm heading into Winter as you're coming out of Spring
Your flowers bloom but all I feel is the cold harsh sting

I hate mirrors

No rules out on this sea

So I thought maybe there was such a thing as fate
Maybe it's just me over-hoping
Probably, wouldn't doubt it
Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be consumed by hate
As if I have any luck

A fool for believing in destiny
A tool for destroying what's left of me
A stool to snap a broken key

Limerence

This self destructive dance
Orchestrated by me and me alone
Pale voice and defeated eyes
A portrait made for destroyed skies

Rock bottom? Still a ways to go
Falling through obsessively clad dreams
Blades sampling songs
Trees shaking rope
Paths meeting lakes
Clouds bursting into violent frenzies of heart-drawn carriages
Through it all
Pull me up with your noose

To fall again and again
Hoping for hope and loving for sick
Dance/sing/cry
To 3 years of time

From the desk of

Virginia Elizabeth Dulcina Skye. Anytime she was there I found myself thinking of . It was weird but not really. Maybe it's the fancy names matching up. But I wanted to write a letter. This usually happens when I'm drunk but right now I don't think I've ever felt so sober. Maybe that's a lie, I feel a natural high. Probably thanks to the sunshine and Stephen Fair. A good book; I enjoyed it. It's kinda helped me. My problems, situation, circumstance... not really that bad. I'm overthinking and trying to make things seem worse. So I have an excuse. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fond of my parents or work or anything but it's allright. Just a matter of keeping a steady head. Not thinking too much. Eventually it'll all pass and yeah. About ? I can't do anything about how she feels. I do like her. Not just about proving something to myself. But it's not all about me. At all. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that. I really like conversing with her, I'll enjoy what I can. If things move on, that's great. If not, that's ok too. All in all this is a good morning. I guess it's just that waiting game but slightly different; with some hunt thrown in for a twist. Funtimes eh? Ah wells, like I said, s'all good really. This feels nice. A happy contentment. Kinda. Bright days always make me happy.

Mar. 31/Apr. 1
Forget any of this ever happened

Gold

Feb. 23/10
It sucks, at the time it was ok enough, offer to help and stuff but now 2 days later and after that convo last night with that same feel of awkwardness from that 1st time talkin. But maybe it's just me? i can hope I'm just overreacting, imagining things. I don't know. What can I do now, really. Part of me says it's over give up there's no point there never was. But anotehr says fuck that shit keep goin determination and perseverence. I want to run away from her I'm scared I ruined the good that was there but no I gotsta stay. I will prove even if just to myself that I care and I don't even know. It's like the suicide thing all over, I'm still here right? Fuck 2nd place, all or nothing. I'll stay and keep my head up. I like her, she makes me happy. What more do i need? That's more than enough reason for me. I'm crazy and retarded and maybe ok probably a bit socio/psychopathic but excuses are lame. I might just actually truly love this girl. I can not let any chance slip me by. If not now, in the future, however long it might take. i can't really see me losing interest in her. unless it's absolute heartbreak ofcourse. Let's hope not though. I've crushed/liked for 6 months with no real action, I've gotsta step it up and do whatever I can. I'm liking this new confidence especially compared to how down I felt. Oh mood swings, where would I be without you?

Present
I've learned a new term: limerence. It pretty much almost exactly describes me with regards to this. Slight obsession, fantasizing in such a way that it's realistic (sometimes involving some sort of tragedy), intrusive thoughts. All of it holds true. The taking anything I can as a hint that I have a chance with her. Re-reading and analyzing every little thing to find a way to find a reason to give me hope. The spazzing out when I see her name. All of it matches up perfectly. Scratch that, it's not just limerence, it's unrequited limerence. Remember kids, the more specific you can be the harder it is to disprove!
Learning all this the best action is to forget about all of it. It's a ride of amazing highs and horrible lows that I should get off of because in the end it will destroy me more than I already have. But ofcourse that's much easier said than done. That confidence and such from the 23rd up there? It died so quickly that I don't even know if it really existed. I'm pretty sure that there is no chance for me but I just CAN'T accept that. Something in my core won't let me. If i could get a striaghtup definate no maybe it would help but I don't want that so I'm scared to try. Yes it's stupid of me to not and it'll just eat at me and tear me apart this stupid little game of mine will but how can I just
This is when suicide makes everythign so much easier but I'd rather go for the girl and atleast try to win. Ofcourse failing tehr ethrows me into a much deeper hole, if I accept it in any case. Oh look, there she is, how convenient.

I need help. Someone, anyone, please?

I am simply a vandal

my hunger grows constantly gnawing at myself growing growing starving myself of what i want, what i need
it will consume all that i am
i'm scared but i can't stop it
i'm scared but i don't want to stop it
i'm not scared at all
another lie
another door smashed to pieces
another golden oppurtunity snapped and shredded
i wonder
where have all the pieces blown off to?
i want to gather them up
put them back together
i can hope


I find no purpose and yet
I continue to live for nothing
Lying to myself and everyone else
For the sake of what?


Nothing more

180 seconds too late

You've taken so much from me
I never knew there was so much to take
You're the greatest thief I know
How can I ever match up

That's a lie
You're no thief
I had no control had no grip had no thought
I gave in I gave it up

Sent to be recieved
Recieved to be denied?

And everything turns to ruin
Ash in the mouth
Destruction

Here comes the sun

It's amazing how much there is in those parts of the mind that no one sees, thinks about, tries to hide, wishes weren't there. Those shadows that are there because it's who we are isn't it?
You learn so much about people even if you simply acknowledge it. And oh so much more if you take a step in. It's amazing how easy it could be if not for everything.
It's funny 'cause I'm saying this like I know what it is; what I'm talking about when in all reality I'm just typing mindlessly off a tangent of a tangent of a thought.

Nevermind, it doesn't matter anymore.

But the point is that for a time it did.

Pyros Make Fire Famous (numero deux)

Where've you gone off to?
It's been a while now
Whatever happened to that dream of you
It's been a while

yet nothing's really changed has it
still the same ol' same ol'
still this same hole

Lockless keys dangling through the air each night
Where's the concept of fair without light
to strike this match and see what there is
to see what there is and go
to go without a fight

the fight's what makes things interesting and keeps it all alive
struggle struggle struggle and there's purpose
take it away and it's
gone
meaningless

This is what I say for the time being
My message in a bottle
The bottle's cracked
It's flooding
My message sinks
Who'll see it now?


It's been quite a while hasn't it
Where oh where has the time gone my dear?
Come, let's catch up, please sit
Maybe this time you'll stay near

let's not give into fear
let's

Apples & Oranges

Deaf-mute role played well
Send your thoughts through
The pitter patter of morse code
All throughout my humble abode

Blackout
Vanish

A forest made of trees burning
Smoke obscures the goal
Trees with branches yearning
Leaves forget their role

Wakeup
Blur

The comedy's over
The tragedy's due
The epic comes later
This play will take you
away

Mirror mirror on the wall / How I hate and fear you all

Oh dear boy how you fell,
Higher and higher they thought, "oh what a nice lad,"
But you knew of your treacherous hell

So innocent, so pure,
The story starts
So naive, so young,
What a beautiful soul
Until it's torn apart

A feeling
Nothing more,
She gave you her all
Her all in Vane,
An experience all the same

Lower lower falling farther than before,
Soul dying, you're dying
decay decay decay
Wit and charm cause much harm
Has he lost track of the score?

Repetitious repetition constantly scarring
Flesh, mind, heart, soul; his poor soul

He's locked himself into the cage he made
The spitting image of an Ace of Spades
gone awry

Look into your eyes
Look into your soul

Farewell dear shade of Gray
Reminiscent of many days,
We both know the end and what's to come
Not she for you
nor She for

My compliments to the chef

Jan. 3rd/10
January never seems to like me. I wonder why. Car = slight crash. Parents = freaking out. Oh I'm fine thanks for caring mom. I didn't see my life flash. What life right dad? I was there but wasn't. It's weird. Cool though. Might've been better if it was worse and I was hurt. Comatose. Dead. One can hope. Maybe I am comatose/dead but I just don't know it. Wouldn't that be nice.
Job hunting then gymtimes tomorrow. I liekd the gym.
Stop lying to them. Dark snow slippery shut the fuck up. It's because your son's a failure. A disappointment in every fuckin way isn't it? We both know it so why lie about it? He I me just fails at everything. Nothing is good enough for you. No praise. No acknowledgement. Nothing but disappointment and failure. What's it matter though, my life isn't worth living is it dad? What the fuck do I know right? Insult me some more, c'mon. What else do you have to say? All I've gotten is insult and disappointment one after the other. I guess that's all I am. All I'm worth. Why couldn't I have just died. But no, I failed at that too didn't I dad?

Present
I don't really care about the car or insurance or any of that. I didn't really even care at the time. It's an object of money. Sure it's nice but, it's just extra. Good to know they didn't ask about me and my well being until after the insurance company was called and all that was settled. Everyone knows money > life. But again, what do I know about life?
I'm scared. The suicidal thoughts are getting worse. No, scratch that. Worse means bad doesn't it, this isn't necessarily bad. Maybe it's just how things should be. And they really have grown. Multiple plans of how thigns could go down. Before when these thoughts crept into my head I'd think about stuff liek Her and friends and things I'd liek to do and see and all that but... part of me is scared and wants to live. Anotehr part, maybe a bigger part, doesn't care and is bored with this life.
As I was whoring myself out today job hunting I ended up talking to myself for a bit. I want to leave. That was what I said to myself. I want to leave. Here everything just leave. Leave and just be free of this whole work money death business. I think that's ideally what everyone would like but sadly it's not possible for too many.
I don't liek job hunting. I honestly don't like jobs. I mean looking back, Shoppers wasn't bad, but at the time I never wanted to go. Not really. Everything's better in hindsight it seems. In an ideal world, we'd all be happy and do what made us happy. But sadly that's not the world we live in. We all really only care about ourselves and those dear and near to us though so I guess in my ideal world it'd be me and those close to me who were happy and everyone else wouldn't really matter. It sucks but I mean, that's just how it is.
Maybe this is a cry for help. I want someone to stop this and tell me I matter and all that because I don't feel I get that here. I'm just a whore for attention aren't I? But will it help? If it's not who it really needs to be, will it stop this? I honestly don't know. I just want to leave.

Aware Beware cdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

No rhyme or reason
It doesn't need it
It just is
But at the same time isn't
Itself

A dream fantasy goal
Driving pursuers mad
Down the rabbit hole
Through happy angry sad

Truth is singular
Lies are multiples
Warped and bloodied
Painful yet studied

Intricately simple, simply intricate
A touch of shadow and it's worth shit

Always so cunning but naive
Some light and what's left to believe?

http://viviphyd.deviantart.com/journal/29405482/

The lights have gone out
The lights have gone away
The lights aren't coming back
They've left us to decay
They played with our minds
We thought we held sway
They ripped out our tongues
We have nothing to say

The shadows wont leave us alone like the lights
The shadows will save us and teach us to spite

The lights will fade from memory and heart
The shadows will parade much past the start

inside deep deeper deepest
so far in it hurts to breathe
covering skin
colouring blood
carved into bone
so far in we're never alone

title

After a night of drinking I seem to be able to wake up and be fine for the most part. Except for being insanely hungry and my stomach hurting from time to time.
And a soreish throat. But that may be because of sitting out in the cold.
But it was nice so no complaints. Sorry to say I can't remember everything we talked about but I'm sure I went on for a bit but you listened anyways and I listened to you and it was a nice time. It'll all come back to me eventually. I'm glad to have met you, and I'm glad you two are together.

So now it's just a matter of days weeks months possibly years of what to do how to do it why do it and maybe even doing something. What? Who knows. Why? Why not?
I have clue what I'm talking about
But who does

this seems to have become another "i don't want to post" writing
that wasn't my intention
it's never intended
rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
/////////////////end

p.s. facebook's mocking me again