Gold

Feb. 23/10
It sucks, at the time it was ok enough, offer to help and stuff but now 2 days later and after that convo last night with that same feel of awkwardness from that 1st time talkin. But maybe it's just me? i can hope I'm just overreacting, imagining things. I don't know. What can I do now, really. Part of me says it's over give up there's no point there never was. But anotehr says fuck that shit keep goin determination and perseverence. I want to run away from her I'm scared I ruined the good that was there but no I gotsta stay. I will prove even if just to myself that I care and I don't even know. It's like the suicide thing all over, I'm still here right? Fuck 2nd place, all or nothing. I'll stay and keep my head up. I like her, she makes me happy. What more do i need? That's more than enough reason for me. I'm crazy and retarded and maybe ok probably a bit socio/psychopathic but excuses are lame. I might just actually truly love this girl. I can not let any chance slip me by. If not now, in the future, however long it might take. i can't really see me losing interest in her. unless it's absolute heartbreak ofcourse. Let's hope not though. I've crushed/liked for 6 months with no real action, I've gotsta step it up and do whatever I can. I'm liking this new confidence especially compared to how down I felt. Oh mood swings, where would I be without you?

Present
I've learned a new term: limerence. It pretty much almost exactly describes me with regards to this. Slight obsession, fantasizing in such a way that it's realistic (sometimes involving some sort of tragedy), intrusive thoughts. All of it holds true. The taking anything I can as a hint that I have a chance with her. Re-reading and analyzing every little thing to find a way to find a reason to give me hope. The spazzing out when I see her name. All of it matches up perfectly. Scratch that, it's not just limerence, it's unrequited limerence. Remember kids, the more specific you can be the harder it is to disprove!
Learning all this the best action is to forget about all of it. It's a ride of amazing highs and horrible lows that I should get off of because in the end it will destroy me more than I already have. But ofcourse that's much easier said than done. That confidence and such from the 23rd up there? It died so quickly that I don't even know if it really existed. I'm pretty sure that there is no chance for me but I just CAN'T accept that. Something in my core won't let me. If i could get a striaghtup definate no maybe it would help but I don't want that so I'm scared to try. Yes it's stupid of me to not and it'll just eat at me and tear me apart this stupid little game of mine will but how can I just
This is when suicide makes everythign so much easier but I'd rather go for the girl and atleast try to win. Ofcourse failing tehr ethrows me into a much deeper hole, if I accept it in any case. Oh look, there she is, how convenient.

I need help. Someone, anyone, please?

I am simply a vandal

my hunger grows constantly gnawing at myself growing growing starving myself of what i want, what i need
it will consume all that i am
i'm scared but i can't stop it
i'm scared but i don't want to stop it
i'm not scared at all
another lie
another door smashed to pieces
another golden oppurtunity snapped and shredded
i wonder
where have all the pieces blown off to?
i want to gather them up
put them back together
i can hope


I find no purpose and yet
I continue to live for nothing
Lying to myself and everyone else
For the sake of what?


Nothing more

180 seconds too late

You've taken so much from me
I never knew there was so much to take
You're the greatest thief I know
How can I ever match up

That's a lie
You're no thief
I had no control had no grip had no thought
I gave in I gave it up

Sent to be recieved
Recieved to be denied?

And everything turns to ruin
Ash in the mouth
Destruction