Jan. 3rd/10
January never seems to like me. I wonder why. Car = slight crash. Parents = freaking out. Oh I'm fine thanks for caring mom. I didn't see my life flash. What life right dad? I was there but wasn't. It's weird. Cool though. Might've been better if it was worse and I was hurt. Comatose. Dead. One can hope. Maybe I am comatose/dead but I just don't know it. Wouldn't that be nice.
Job hunting then gymtimes tomorrow. I liekd the gym.
Stop lying to them. Dark snow slippery shut the fuck up. It's because your son's a failure. A disappointment in every fuckin way isn't it? We both know it so why lie about it? He I me just fails at everything. Nothing is good enough for you. No praise. No acknowledgement. Nothing but disappointment and failure. What's it matter though, my life isn't worth living is it dad? What the fuck do I know right? Insult me some more, c'mon. What else do you have to say? All I've gotten is insult and disappointment one after the other. I guess that's all I am. All I'm worth. Why couldn't I have just died. But no, I failed at that too didn't I dad?
Present
I don't really care about the car or insurance or any of that. I didn't really even care at the time. It's an object of money. Sure it's nice but, it's just extra. Good to know they didn't ask about me and my well being until after the insurance company was called and all that was settled. Everyone knows money > life. But again, what do I know about life?
I'm scared. The suicidal thoughts are getting worse. No, scratch that. Worse means bad doesn't it, this isn't necessarily bad. Maybe it's just how things should be. And they really have grown. Multiple plans of how thigns could go down. Before when these thoughts crept into my head I'd think about stuff liek Her and friends and things I'd liek to do and see and all that but... part of me is scared and wants to live. Anotehr part, maybe a bigger part, doesn't care and is bored with this life.
As I was whoring myself out today job hunting I ended up talking to myself for a bit. I want to leave. That was what I said to myself. I want to leave. Here everything just leave. Leave and just be free of this whole work money death business. I think that's ideally what everyone would like but sadly it's not possible for too many.
I don't liek job hunting. I honestly don't like jobs. I mean looking back, Shoppers wasn't bad, but at the time I never wanted to go. Not really. Everything's better in hindsight it seems. In an ideal world, we'd all be happy and do what made us happy. But sadly that's not the world we live in. We all really only care about ourselves and those dear and near to us though so I guess in my ideal world it'd be me and those close to me who were happy and everyone else wouldn't really matter. It sucks but I mean, that's just how it is.
Maybe this is a cry for help. I want someone to stop this and tell me I matter and all that because I don't feel I get that here. I'm just a whore for attention aren't I? But will it help? If it's not who it really needs to be, will it stop this? I honestly don't know. I just want to leave.
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Most of that is true, about money > life. No one seems to care about anyone or anything that can't turn a profit, it's all the wallstreet kids in there little inside joke of a game.
ReplyDeleteParents are fucked and are never happy with what you do despite your love for them and what you try to do, I know, not any better then you though.
All I can say is give it time, we're all in the same mess man. Everyday I think about suicide, it's so much easier then having to endure all this useless school for something I don't even want to do. I wonder what holds us back, and why is it so much stronger then what pushes us.