If You Can't Ride Two Horses At Once...

All Soul's Day, I thought it was the day after Hallowe'en but the school/church (both?) i walk by on my home from work (which is pretty craptastic day in day out, even drunk it's still no fun only makes me want to throw up whiel working. i shouldn't co,mplain, i have a job, i'm making money but really i can if i want so here i am aren't i? but what use is money really? to gain material goods? In teh end does it really matter? and what IS the "end"? I mean who knows what death really is. who knwos what anythign REALLY is, this world we live in we think we'v efigured out so many things well not we as in everyone but there are those who think they know it all or know oh so much. Because theyr'e caught up on teh latest news in whatever field? whatever. money leads to materialistic gains which may bring joy for a time but in the end doesn't everything fade? all good things must come to an end, that's what they say. Who are they? Reminds me of a book I read when I was little, Eerie Indiana something or otehr. I used to read more books then... maybe becuase everything was more interesting? more likely i've just lost inetrest in many things. lots of tihngs. everything? it's getting there... it will one day, i'm pretty sure. it's not a fun thought =/ but i guess that's life eh? what's life? what's death? what IS anything REALLY? do we "exist"? what is it to exist? how'd this life of ours begin, where's it going ,why is it here? maybe there are answers maybe there aren't... what if everything means nothing? if it's just like a movie you watch then never think about again? maybe that's all we are, a movie a book a play whatever for some other... being or form or who knows what. when it ends, will anyone care? how many times will it be rewatched or reread? maybe that explains deja vu? deja vu is a pretty fancy thing, it's creepy kinda but it's really cool too. i always enjoy it. now i can't tihnk of anything to link off that so I think the rant's done for now) says it's on Nov. 2nd, being tomorrow. Whatever, doesn't really matter much i suppose. I feel sick to my stomach. Last night was fun for the most part, a great experience as a whole. too bad it ended with me spending an hour throwing up but things were laerned. fuckin vex xD that's the catch with alcohol i think, it tastes gross so you don't really want to drink it, but when it tastes good then yer pretty screwed. most of when i was throwing up is pretty blurry, i rememebr some thigns but detaisl aren't great. but hey whatever, i know who was tehre for me and i'm way better and i hope to be fine by tomorrow. so i can go to work, oh yay. but if I wasn't workign I'd be at school somewhere no? Lots of peopel may disagree but I'd MUCH rather be in school than working. one of the greatest joys I have is learning (not liek a yaay school nerd type but just leanrign thing sin general. anything really) and the problem with where i work is that i don't learn anything. i don't really feel i accomplish anything. i go, pack boxes for 8 hours (sometimes longer. usually longer) go home and oh look a phone call then go home and do nothing pretty much. or go to night class, which is allrigt just annoying as hell 'cause some people just don't stfu. stop complaining about not being ready for teh test or quiz or whatever you wanan call it, it's your own fault. we all had teh same lesson, so if i can be good to go why can't you? don't gimme some crap about work or school during teh day, i work too. I don't care about your excuses. stfu, accept it, do it, move on. if you just complain about not being ready guess what you obviously don't have enough confidence in your own skills and abilities or in your knowledge of the subject. try working on that ratehr than whining away your time, it might help. actually maybe i should try that. ratehr than thinking how much thing ssuck or are a waste i should try DOING something about things. easier said than done? sigh, stfu and man up. I'm ranting again. but it's nice. odds are no one will see this but y'know what, whatever, i'm getting it out tehre and that's what should matter in the end. when you rant TO someone you risk getting interupted and losign your flow and losign teh rant itself. this way it's all me and all rant. the end comes when i run out of thign sto rant about or i feel like it. smple as that. screw grammar and spelling. i wonder, if not for teh language we have and use in our daily lives, what would our thoughts be like? babies don't know a "language" or so we think and yet they can think right? but then again what is it to think? is it different for everyone? I know i hear a voice. but i don't really HEAR it y'know? it's just... there. i can see things too if need be, but it's mostly just teh voice. scratch that it's teh non-voice. that's what i'm dubbing it. a voice that isn't a voice. i wish i could be with . i don't even know her but something in me is compelled. and now i'm using big words. i don't even know what it is, just from my light inetrent stalking (shut up you do it too) she seems like suc ha wonderful person. and i know that when i see i have a reply from her the feelign i get is just... ineffible (lol thanks english). it's so wonderful and pure and amazing it's liek all is right with my soul. maybe that's what tha tnon-voice is? the soul. i mean do we really know we think with our minds? well mayeb we do but that thought may be the soul speaking to us. that woudl be teh defining feature of life i think, the soul. all living things mus thave one, it's what makes them alive y'know? plants, animals. if it's alive it must a have a soul. then what happens when we die? to our soul? it's not really anything that we can define or see or touch or anything right so what happens to it? maybe everything exists because of the soul? life itself is part of a giant spirit let's call it. we die it joins back up to teh whole and then splits off again to for ma new being. the universe is huge how do we know what else is out tehre? maybe it's all connected, we're all connected, through the soul. it makes sense to me, screw loopholes and fallacies (whatever those are). and this God that people have, is really just the greater part of the souls. we live in the 3rd dimesion they say, the ysay the 4th is time. maybe teh soul is a 4th dimensional being trapped in a 3 dimensional form? the soul can be "reborn" as anything at any time. it helps explain deja vu as well kinda. or those dreams that never seem to make any sense. they're jus tteh memories of teh soul. or when it joins back up to teh whole it schares teh experiences it had for all. and in a sense our connection is even greater because we're all one but not. since we don't know what happens to us when we die no one can really disprove this theory right? but even if they could i dont' care 'cause it's my belief and try all you want i'll believe in whatever the hell i want. i want to die just to find out, it seems like it'd be one crazy adventure. every living being in this world dies alone? maybe all "life" is is a leanrign experience for teh soul. it's all abaout gaining as many experineces as possible for teh greater whole. maybe that's what God is. it would be imniscient wouldn't it? with every experience ever it would haveto be. but does that mean that everything is set on a linear track? we have 1 path, 1 destiny, everything is fated to be? i don't know... I'd liek to think that fate ties into things but we ultimately decide what to do, where we go. There are many paths but the yall lead to teh same destiantion, sure, but how we get there is what matters. so in the end, does it matter if your rich and famous? it doesn't matter because in time you'll be forgotten. in time you will be someone or someting else somewhere else. i want to fly. maybe death is the best thing to happen to us in our lives? but tha tfeeling of pure goodness. it's definately teh best feeling i've ever had. transcending physical pleasure. even emotionally maybe. it was just a pure surge of good. it made my soul ecsatic. i wodner, if she were to read this, what would she think? that i'm crazy? romantic? odds are she doesn't care abotu me, or even rememebrs me. we met once, randomly, talked fora few minutes and that was that. and it's always after that that one thinks of something else tehy could've said or done to make things have gone better. i hate that. why can't i do or say that when it matters? who knows how different things could be y'know? i would really liek to be with her. to be able tot alk to her and just be in her presence. great now i'm ranting abotu a girl xD what a turn for my rant eh? ah well i guess it's to be expected eventually. now i'm no David Keis or anything, but if this is read by anyone that's great. if it somehwo helps someone, great. if it makes someone think, then that is the best result i tihnk i can get.