running rampant

there was something i wanted to write about something good and not happy per se but it made me feel good inside but now i've crushed it with my own self hate and fear and loathing and it's not there anymore and it's such a horrible horrible feeling of desperate desolace filled and brimming with hatehatehate it's just so horrifying and i'm scared not per se but this feeling of just dread and crushed death hope gone i don't even know what i'm saying but i'm saying it and it's like verbal vomit scratch that it is but tomorrow is always there and odds or evens it will be filled with more of this self disgust and hate and just straight up unwanting of lifeverything i want a redo a reshuffle a new hand but alas that's not how it goes is it this is how it goes this life that i don't want this work money school grades money work work work die no that's not right why where's the live in life where's the enjoy fun laugh love where where where it's all that's worth it in the end where will anythign else lead work may lead to success or betetr a sense of purpose or fulfilment but friends love happy laugh it's so much better so much more worth it but in this day and age this society this dying world that wont cut it will it it wants to drain us drain me drain you why not just connect with everyone and live instead of survive it'd be such a nicer better happier lovelier place or so i'd like love to think know feel love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate you love me hate me love you sleep fly love happy that's all i want will you help me please i wish please please please let this wish come true